Look Who's Got the Ring Now!
by Fork-Beauty
Summary: Finished! Rated R for language. The much-anticipated sequel to I Wanna Hold the Ring! Maggie and Aly are still terrorizing Middle Earth!
1. Chapter One

The forest floor beneath Frodo's little Hobbit body was hard and wet from the rain the Fellowship had endured earlier that morning. Even under such uncomfortable situations, Frodo's body was exhausted, and he was sleeping deeply, lost in a dream, a dream that took him back several days to a place called the Love Valley Nudist Colony. . . .

_ "Let's go find Gandalf," Aly said. The Fellowship followed over to a sunny spot near the lake where Gandalf was jabbering away, balancing a paper plate full of baby back ribs in his lap. "C'mon, gramps," Aly said to him. "We gotta move."_

Gandalf sat his plate on the ground and stood up. He smiled and shook his head. "I think I'm going to stay here for a while."

"But we need you!" Maggie said.

"Who will lead us?" Frodo asked, pulling off the blindfold that Maggie and Aly had put over all the boys' eyes.

Gandalf smiled again and patted Frodo's head in a fatherly manner. "Young Legolas and Master Aragorn will lead you. I have full confidence in both of them. Besides, I'm old. It's either the nudist colony or a retirement home." Gandalf threw off his robe and went running toward the river wearing nothing but his Converse high tops and a smile.

The Fellowship disappeared from the Nudist Colony, and (in a dream montage) _ Gandalf was seen water skiing, learning to tango, and winning a limbo contest. He seemed truly happy. But, there was something in his smile that hinted to the fact that he missed the Fellowship. He felt guilty for leaving them. He wanted to help them again. . ._

"Gandalf!" Frodo jumped up from his spot on the ground, and his body jerked awake.

"What is it, Mr. Frodo?" Sam, Frodo's loyal companion, asked.

Frodo turned his eyes to Sam, who was standing over a small fire about ten feet away, cooking something in his little copper pot. "Nothing," Frodo answered him, stretching his arms. "Just a dream." 

Frodo wandered away from Sam and out into the woods a ways to take care of his morning business. It was only as he was zipping up his pants that he felt that something was different this morning. Something wasn't right. He couldn't hear Aly terrorizing Aragorn, Merry and Pippin weren't engaged in their usual morning game of leap frog, and Maggie wasn't thundering around pulling sticks out of her hair, cursing her curly blond locks. Also, he noticed that the One Ring was no longer around his neck.

The events of yesterday came flooding back. Maggie, Aly, Merry, and Pippin had been captured by a band of Uruk-Hai. The entire quest the Fellowship had been on was in jeopardy, with four members captured by the enemy, one of which, Aly, had the One Ring. 

"Ack!" Frodo heard Gimli say as he strolled back to camp. "This soup tastes like warmed vomit, young Samwise."

Sam's hands flew to his hips. "Well, I'm sorry, your highness. You try to cook something edible out of two carrots, a mustard green, and a jar of cherries! If it tastes so God-awful, throw it out and chew on a little lembas bread. If you ask me though, you could stand to skip a few meals anyway." Sam said that last part under his breath.

Gimli heard him nonetheless and lunged toward him, but Legolas appeared and body-checked the Dwarf. "Let's try to keep the fighting down to a minimum today, guys. We have a lot of ground to cover. Besides, none of us are feeling fantabulous after what happened yesterday."

Everyone fell silent as they relived the events of yesterday in their minds, except for Gimli, who was crunching lembas bread loudly. Sam broke the silence as he poured out his soup and plopped down on the forest floor.

"What are we going to do, Legolas?" Sam asked.

Legolas took a deep breath and tried to put on a brave expression. "Do not fear, young Hobbit. We will not let harm come to your friends, and the fallers of the sky."

"Fallersssssss, gone are they," Boromir dropped from a tree branch and squatted down near Sam and Frodo, ripping into an apple. "Preciousssss they have. We's knows the way to the preciousss."

Frodo groaned. "Boromir, would you stop that? It's really. . . fuckin' annoying." His correct usage of the word 'fuck' made him think of Maggie and Aly, and how much he missed them and prayed for their safety.

"Where's Aragorn?" Gimli asked as he brushed the crumbs out of his beard.

Legolas shook his head. "I know not. I was on my way out to the forest to search for him. This morning he told me that he was going to scout up ahead, but it has made me uneasy that he hasn't returned."

As if on cue, a large rustling in the bushes made everyone search the forest for the source of the noise. Boromir dropped his apple and crept toward the noise, opening and closing his hands. "Massster?" he asked.

"_ I'm just a small-town girl. . .living in a lonely world. I took the midnight train going anywhere,_" Aragorn lurched into view, staggering to the left and right, singing the words to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" rather loudly and off-key. A half empty bottle of alcohol was dangling from his left hand.

Legolas sighed and massaged his temples for a second before speaking. "He's drunk. I don't know where he got the alcoholic beverage, but we've got to try and sober him up. Help me, Frodo."

"Hiiii, Frodo," Aragorn said, grinning stupidly at the Hobbit. "_ You're just a city boy. . .born and raised in South Detroit! Frodo took the midnight train going anywhere!"_

"C'mon, Aragorn," Legolas said, hoisting Aragorn to a standing position. 

"Where we goin', Elf Boy?" Aragorn. "Hey, have I ever told you that I like your hair. I do. Legolas, you're pretty. Can I touch your hair?" Aragorn reached out.

"No, you may not touch my hair," Legolas shouted, getting angry. 

Aragorn shrugged and turned to Frodo. "Hey, Frudo. Haha! I called you Frudo! Hahaha! Frudoo! Frudo Baggins! You have pretty hair too."

"Don't!" Frodo yelled before Aragorn had a chance to finish. Legolas and Frodo had almost reached the shore of the river. "Yo, Legolas. Think we could step it up? I'm only about four feet tall, and Aragorn outweighs me by about 100 pounds," Frodo said straining. Legolas nodded and quickened his pace.

"_ I'm a man without conviction! I'm a man who doesn't know! You come and go!. You come and go! Karma karma. . . kahma ker–_ damn, it's hard to sing that song drunk," Aragorn laughed. "Come on, Frodo, sing with me. Just one verse. We'll start from the–"

Legolas and Frodo had reached the river and dropped Aragorn right into the water. Aragorn floundered about in the water before he regained himself and stood up, wiping the water off his face.

"Pull yourself together, Aragorn," Legolas said, shaking Aragorn's shoulders. "You've got to be a leader. You've got to. . .well, you have to lead us. I can't do it by myself. Besides, if I was the leader, it would really damage the dark, mysterious facade I've got going that the ladies love so much."

Aragorn's drunken smile turned into a frown. He wrapped Legolas into a bear hug, lifting him off the ground momentarily. "Oh, it's just so _ sad!!_ The girls are gone. And I didn't think I could lead you because it was my fault they're gone in the first place."

Frodo patted Aragorn's arm. "Cheer up, man. We all feel bad, but we're gonna save them. We just need someone to look up to. No stop all that crying and sniveling."

Aragorn smiled weakly. "Will you do the Happy Hobbit dance for me?"

Frodo rolled his eyes. "Fine. Just this once." Frodo bent his knees and began swirling his bum around in circles. "_ What the world needs now, is love, sweet love!"_ he sang in a fast tempo. "There. You happy?"

Aragorn smiled. "Thanks little buddy."

"Now get the hell back to camp and take charge," Frodo said. "You and Legolas are like a team, Aragorn. The ultimate leadership team. You're like Captain Kirk, and Legolas is Mr. Spock."

Legolas frowned. "Why does he get to be Captain Kirk?"

"Because I have better leadership skills," Aragorn said.

"Oh, and who decided that?" Legolas put his hands on his hips.

"I did. Besides, you have pointy ears like Mr. Spock anyway. It just seems logical–"

"Are you making fun of my ears, Human? Spock was a genius–"

"He was weird!"

"You know what?" Frodo bellowed. "Fine. Neither of you are Spock or Captain Kirk. You're both. . .Scotty. So, shut up and get back to camp. Sam, Gimli, and that stupid freak Boromir are waiting on us."

Someone–Sam, mostly likely– had packed up all the tents and equipment while Legolas, Frodo, and Aragorn had been gone. Now, Sam was reading an old gardening magazine, Gimli was re-braiding his beard, and Boromir was jumping up and down on a rock next to Sam. He was singing some made-up song to a fast disco tempo.

"_ Shake it to the precioussss! Precioussss is the preciousest! She's my preshy precioussss! I have to get the pre–_ Ow!" Boromir fell backward off the rock as Sam clocked him in the face with the copper pot.

"He's been doing this since you left," Sam said, standing up. "That's the sixth time I've clobbered him. Stupid human. He's got a lot of willpower, though."

"Yeah, that, or very little brain," Frodo said. "I'm putting my money on the latter."

"Gather your things together!" Aragorn said, picking up his cloak and sword. He swerved forward and pressed his hand to his forehead. "Whoa! But, before we go, does anyone have any headache medicine. I feel like my brain is trying to escape through the pores in my skin."

Sam ran up to Aragorn. "Here's some of Gandalf's Advil. That should do the trick."

"Thank you, Samwise," Aragorn said. He downed four Advil, then smiled.

Legolas was scanning the forest ahead, looking at the path they were about to take that would lead them to the Uruk-Hai and their missing friends. "They are still alive and well, Aragorn. I can sense it."

"Good, Elf," Aragorn said. He clapped Legolas on the shoulder. "Come on."

"After you. . .Captain Kirk," Legolas said smiling.

Aragorn bowed and stepped back. "No. Please, lead the way, Mr. Spock. . .you genius you." 


	2. Chapter Two

** *We're baaaaack! Yay! It feels fantabulous to start writing this story again, even though we only took about a 10 day breather. It seemed like an eternity. We would like to thank each and every one of you for reviewing the new chapter. Also-- a little side note-- we're working on a website that will showcase ALL of our fanfiction that we all write under different names, pictures, and other crap about us. We'll let you know when that will be up and working. Until then, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE enjoy the story!***

"Look, man, I don't mean to sound blunt, but your hair smells like ass warmed over," Maggie said to the Orc that was carrying her on his back. "Of course, I completely understand that you're an Orc, and you probably haven't bathed since the first Bush was in office, but still, dude. This stuff is killing me." She pushed the gnarled, matted Orc hair out of her face and turned to look at Aly.

"If you keep running like this, dude, I'm gonna piss all over you. My bladder has reached its maximum capacity, and if you keep bobbing up and down, you're gonna get a big wet surprise running down your back," Aly told her Orc. "How you holding up, Mags?"

"Well, under these lovely conditions, surprisingly well, dear. And yourself?"

"I'm about to piss on myself," Aly answered. She banged her Orc on the shoulder. "I'm serious, Ugly Man. We need to stop. Aw, damn it all to hell!"

"What?" Maggie asked. "Did you just, um, let it all go?"

"No! The button on my jeans just popped off. Mother fuck! Oh, this is just great. What I wouldn't give for a safety pin!"

Maggie sighed and glanced over at Merry and Pippin. Merry seemed to be having a nice time, enjoying the swift breeze in his hair. Pippin, on the other hand, was clinging to the Orc fiercely, his eyes wide, his skin paler than usual. "Pippin!" Maggie yelled. "Pippin! Pip! Pippin! Pippin!"

Merry turned to Pippin, who had passed out, then back to Maggie. "I'm sorry, Pippin is unavailable at the moment. May I take a message?"

"No, that's all right. I'll call back later," Maggie said. The Orcs suddenly came to a complete halt. The girls and the Hobbits craned their necks to see over all of the massively huge Orc heads. One Orc was standing at the front, one hand raised in the air.

"What is it? What do you smell?" one Orc asked him.

"PKAAACK!" the Orc snorted. "Man flesh."

"Aragorn!" Pippin said, his face still pale, his eyes barely open.

"No, dumbass," Aly said. "I have man flesh. He smells me."

"He's not the only one who smells you," Maggie quipped. Maggie dodged away from Aly, barely escaping Aly's swinging fist.

"You have man flesh?" Merry asked. "So, you're saying that you're a man?"

"I've always thought she was a bit manly," Pippin said, letting out a small giggle.

"I'm not a man!" Aly yelled, leaning out and smacking Pippin on the arm.

"Owww!" Pippin said, rubbing his arm. "You hit like a man."

"They've picked up our trail! Let's go!" the Orc leader snarled. The Orcs were on the move again, and the Hobbits and the girls didn't have much time to chat because the Orcs were flying through the forests and valleys at rapid speed.

* * *

Aragorn was lying face down on the ground, the rest of the Fellowship gathered around him, staring curiously at him and each other. "Um Aragorn, if I may venture to ask a question," Legolas began. "What exactly are you doing?"

"I'm listening for vibrations," his voice muffled.

"With what? Your forehead?" Frodo asked, crossing his arms.

"Mr. Frodo, this is no time for joking," Sam said, throwing his pack down. "This is serious, this is. We've got to get a move on. Miss Aly and Miss Maggie are sure to say something that will upset those nasty Orcs. I only hope that Merry and Pippin are–"

Gimli let out a groan. "Hobbit! Shut your pie hole! Worrying like a madman isn't going to get us anywhere!"

"Madman! Sssilly FAT dwarf!" Boromir said, doing a little jig. "Chicken pot pie and jimmy crack corn!"

". . .the hell?" Frodo said, glaring at Boromir. 

Aragorn rose from the ground, brushing the dirt off his face. "They have picked up our scent. We must make haste."

The Fellowship took off again, dashing madly over the plains. Aragorn and Legolas crossed the terrain with ease, sprinting with the grace of mountain lions. Frodo and Boromir was a few feet behind them, running with all their might. Gimli and Sam lagged dangerously behind.

"Wait," Legolas called to Aragorn. "Sam and Gimli have fallen behind."

Aragorn stopped. While he waited for Sam and Gimli, he scanned the ground for any footprints or signs of the Orcs.

"Good gracious!" Gimli said, skidding to a halt near Legolas and Boromir. "Dwarves aren't made for this cross-county stuff. We are natural sprinters."

Sam made a less than graceful stop as he crashed into the ground near Frodo's feet. "Oh, lord, Mr. Frodo. I'm dying."

"What's the matter, Sam?" Frodo asked smiling. "Not cut out for all this running?"

"That's not funny, Frodo," Sam said, reaching into his pack and pulling out an inhaler. "You know I've got asthma."

"Asthma, huh?" Frodo giggled. "What's your excuse, Dwarf?"

Boromir laughed. "No excussssse. Dwarf has short, FAT legs!"

Gimli lunged for Boromir's neck. "You little son of a whore!"

"Quiet everyone!" Aragorn said, kneeling down and picking something off the ground. "I believe I've found something." Aragorn extended his open palm to Legolas, then to Frodo and Sam.

It was the button from Aly's jeans. Frodo snatched it away from Aragorn and squinted at it, trying to read the tiny writing. "What the hell is a. . .a Levi Jean?"

"A Levi Jean. . . ." Aragorn mused aloud.

"Perhaps it is the name of someone famous in Maggie and Aly's native land," Legolas offered.

Frodo snorted. "Um, doubt that, Elfy Boy."

Aragorn grabbed the button from Frodo and slid it into his pocket. "They are less than half a day ahead of us. Legolas, what do your Elf eyes see?"

Sam sighed. "I don't know what his Elf eyes see, but my Hobbit eyes see a nice patch of grass over there that looks like a good place to take a nap."

"The Uruks turn Northeast. They are taking our friends to Isengard."

"Saruman," Aragorn said.

"Who?" Frodo asked.

Sam nudged Frodo in the side. "Saruman. The bad guy."

"The wha. . . .oh yeah! Saruman. Bad guy. I remember!"

Boromir jumped up and rose to his human posture. "Saruman?" his voice had returned to normal. "Are there spies of Saruman lurking about?" He unsheathed his sword and waved it menacingly around.

"Well, look who's back!" Frodo said. "Yeah, Boromir, there are quite a few spies lurking about. In fact, an assload of them just took four of our friends in that direction. Once we get there, we'll need all the help we can get to kick some Spy of Saruman ass. You up for it?"

Boromir smiled. "Indeed I am, young Hobbit."

"All right, do you know what just happened while you were all chit-chatting?" Aragorn's tone sounded irritated. "The Uruk-Hai just gained an eighth of a day on us. People's lives are at stake here, men. Quit standing around like a bunch of beauty parlor patrons. Act like a bunch of men! So, grab your nuts, hock a loogie, and let's step on it!" He turned and began running.

". . .grab your nuts. . ." Frodo gave Aragorn a bewildered look. "Well, that was a hell of a pep talk, don't you think?"

"He hasn't had much sleep. It's not his fault he isn't making sense. But, nonetheless, what choice have you but to follow him?" Sam said. Then, he grabbed his nuts, hocked a loogie and took off after Aragorn.

Frodo shrugged. "When in Rome. . ." He grabbed his nuts, hocked a loogie and started running once again. 


	3. Chapter Three

** *Thanks SO much for reviewing the last two chapters! Damn, we really appreciate it! Our website is up (the link is on our author page) but it's still very much a work in progress. Please check it out and sign the guestbook. Oh yeah! And pleasepleasePLEASE enjoy this next chapter! Once again, a big thank you to our loyal fans (all six of you!) :)***

Baglor was extremely overweight for even an Orc, weighing in at nearly 420 pounds. He was about to pass out from all the extensive running the Uruk-Hai had engaged in over the past 24 hours. He used his last burst of energy to run to Ugluk, the leader, and throw himself at his feet. "We ain't goin' no further til we've had a breather!"

Ugluk held up his forearm, signaling for the Orcs to stop. "Get the fire going!"

"What about them?" Roc asked, pointing over to the girls and the Hobbits. 

Maggie's eyelids fluttered and she opened her eyes sleepily. "Whahuh?" She glanced over at Aly, who was snoring menacingly, and Merry and Pippin, who were clinging to each other in their sleep.

"Bind their limbs and place them over there," Ugluk said, motioning to the edge of the dark forest.

"Guys, wake up," Maggie said to her companions.

Aly let out one more giant snort before opening her eyes. "Whew! I feel ten times better now that I've had a little– excuse me, Ugly Man, but why the fuck are you tying me to Maggie?"

"Boss's orders," he snarled, a line of drool dripping from the corner of his mouth.

"Do you have rabies or something, dude?" Maggie asked, watching the foamy drool find a final resting place on the ground near her left foot.

"Merry! Merry!" Pippin had woken up as the Orc was binding him to Maggie and Aly. Pippin tightened his grip around Merry.

"I think we might have made a mistake leaving the Shire, Pippin," Merry said. He clung tightly to Pippin in a dire attempt to keep from wetting himself. Now Merry and Pippin were tied back to back, just as Maggie and Aly were. Maggie was bound to Pippin on her left side, and Aly was tied to Merry on her right.

"Guys, it's okay," Maggie said. "We'll figure out something."

"Quiet," Merry whispered. He motioned his head over to the Orcs. "They're squabbling about something."

A hush fell over the four as they strained their ears to listen to the Orcs. Baglor, the fat Orc, was whining to Ugluk. "We're starving! We ain't had nothing but maggoty bread for the past three days."

"I'm not a gourmet chef!" Ugluk snarled. "You should've packed something besides bread, dumbass!"

"But, we want some meat!" Roc said. He glanced sinisterly at the four captives.

"Oh dear God!" Pippin said, growing faint. "He's going to eat us!"

"What about them?" Roc asked, running his tongue over his rotting teeth. "They're fresh!"

"That's it!" Aly said, bouncing her bottom up and down, trying to pull from the ropes. She only succeeded in giving her friends whip lash. "I am not getting eaten! No, no, no, no! Oh, Christ! I don't want to die!"

Once Merry saw that even Aly, whom he had always held in high regard, was frightened, he promptly burst into tears. "Oh, Pippin! I don't want to die with you!"

"They are not for eating!" Ugluk growled, stepping in front of the prisoners.

"Yes, yes that's right! Listen to him! We are not Orc food!" Pippin said feebly. Ugluk turned around and bared his teeth at the four. Pippin took one look at him and fainted, his head resting on Maggie's shoulder.

A smaller Orc slinked over to Ugluk and reached out for Aly. "What about their legs! They don't need those. Ooh! They look tasty!"

"Oh, heavenly father!" Aly screeched. "Maggie, I'm afraid I'm about to pull a Pippin and wet myself."

"Aly, calm down," Maggie said, although she was far from calm herself. "We've got to think of a plan together. If you wig out on me now, we're all fucked because Merry and Pippin have the combined brainpower of a sea snail."

Ugluk unsheathed his sword and swung the blade through the small Orc's middle, his black blood squirting all over Maggie and Aly. Ugluk dropped his sword and threw his head back. "Look's like meat's back on the menu boys!" The Orcs swarmed the dead body, picked it up, and carried it over to the fire, leaving the prisoners unguarded by the edge of the forest.

"Pippin! Pippin, wake up!" Maggie said, nudging Pippin's head with her shoulder. While Maggie tried to wake up Pippin, Aly and Merry were having a nervous breakdown behind them. 

"Aly?! Did you hear that?" Merry said, tears still streaming down his face.

"Hear what? The sound of my death certificate being signed?" Aly asked, giving the ropes a tug. A low rumbling noise jerked their attention to the forest. "It sounds like the trees are farting."

Merry momentarily forgot his fear and laughed. "No, it sounds like they're alive. Hey, Pippin, remember the Old Forest near Buckland? People used to say that the trees could whisper, talk, even move."

Pippin had regained consciousness. "Of course I remember. It was scary as hell in there. I never went within 500 feet of that creepy forest."

Maggie sighed. "Look, swapping ancient folklore is very amusing, and I'm sure there'll be a time for us to do that, but now is not that time. We have got to get out of here. They will eat us. Besides, Aly has. . .who know what, and if by some miracle they do manage to carry us all the way to Mordor, we're all gonna die, but so will everyone else in Middle Earth."

Aly got slightly angry. "That's a really nifty pep talk, Mags, but I can't even begin to think about how to get us out of here. Sorry if I'm not as intellectual as you."

"Girls, girls," Merry started.

"Listen here, Miss Thing," Maggie said, throwing a glance over her shoulder to Aly. As she did this, something caught her eyes: Aly's purse. She turned back around and took a deep breath. "Everyone listen to me. I have an idea."

"An idea?" Pippin repeated. "Well, I hope to God it works."

"Shh!" Maggie said. "We've got to work quickly while the Orcs are busy eating each other. This first part is going to be the hardest. We all have to stand up at the same time and not fall over."

"What the. . ." Aly's voice trailed off.

"Just do it. On the count of three," Maggie commanded. "One. . .two. . .three!" They tried to stand at the same time, but Pippin and Aly lost their balance and the four came tumbling down in a heap.

"Ow!" Merry yelled wincing. "Don't pull so hard. My hands are tied with the same rope as yours, Pip. You just ripped about seven blood vessels out of their natural places."

"Concentrate!" Maggie said. "One. . .two. . .three!"

"Hahah!" Pippin screamed and fell over, dragging everyone with him. "Merry grabbed my bum!"

"Well, it wasn't intentionally," Merry puffed up.

"I think it was!" Pippin teased. "Merry's a Hobbit homo!"

"You better be glad that my hands are tied!" Merry yelled.

"Why, Merry! I didn't know you were into the whole bondage thing!" Pippin laughed.

"Boys!" Maggie was getting irritated.

"Come on, my little men," Aly said. "We can do it this time!"

"One. . .two. . .three!" Maggie said. The four rose shakily to their feet. "Oh, thank you God! Now, hurry. We have to make it over to Ugluk's sword, which he conveniently left over there. Then, we're going to slowly lower ourselves back to the ground and saw ourselves loose."

"Great," Aly sighed. "Someone's gonna lose a finger."

"To the right!" Maggie said. They hobbled toward the blade and came to a stop. They managed to make it back to the ground in one piece, although Pippin feared once for his ability to ever have children.

"Okay, now what?" Aly asked. She threw a look over her shoulder at the Orcs, who were still feasting, roasting the dead Orc over the fire on a spit. 

"Pippin, Merry, see if you can hold onto the end of the sword and point it this way," Maggie said. Sweat was rolling down her face as she glanced over at the Orcs, then back to her friends. _ Uh, God,_ she thought. _ If you get me out of this, I'll be the best person I can be. I swear to. . .um, you._

After a bit of shuffling around, Merry and Pippin finally managed to feel around on the ground and grab onto the sword. They blindly guided the blade toward the ropes around Maggie and Aly's hands.

"All we have to do is move simultaneously up and down, Aly, and we should be able to drag the ropes across the blades and cut ourselves free," Maggie said as she and Aly began dragging the rope slowly across the blade.

"Yeah, right," Merry said, glancing at Maggie and Aly, then rolling his eyes. "And if I put sand in my ass crack, in a few days I'll be able to shit a pearl."

"Hush, Merry!" Pippin said. He had suddenly regained his composure, and he knew that Maggie and Aly would soon have them free and safe. "C'mon, Mags. That's it. You can do it. Push a little more. There you go."

"I'm not having a baby, Pip," Maggie said. "But thanks for the verbal coaching anyway."

Maggie finally felt the ropes fall from her wrists. Aly breathed a sigh of relief as she pulled her hands free. "All right," Maggie said, glancing at the Orcs. She noticed one was walking toward them. "Oh shit. Oh shit. Sit down Aly. Act like we're still tied together."

"Oh! Ehhh!" Aly whimpered. "Okay."

Baglor approached them, two steaming pieces of Orc flesh in his hands. "You want some food, little prisoners?"

Merry's stomach growled noisily in response. "I never thought I'd be saying this, but Orc flesh sounds mighty tasty right now."

"No!" Maggie said, worried that the Orc might try to untie them to feed them. "We're cool. Just. . .go, go back to the feast. Have fun. We're good."

"Maggie. . ." Aly whined. 

"We're SUPER!" Maggie yelled, nudging Aly in the back.

Baglor gave them a funny look, then turned and walked back to the roast pit. As soon as she was sure no Orcs were glancing their way, Maggie hopped up and took the sword in her hand. "All right, comrades. It's time to bust a secret mission." She quickly freed Merry and Pippin and motioned to Aly. "Open up your purse."

Aly gave her a confused look. "Why? There's nothing in here but your hair spray and a lighter. . ." Aly's eyes lit up. "Aw, yeah! We're about to kick some ass, aren't we?"

Maggie smiled at her. "Yes, ma'am. We can't wait on Eomer and the riders of Rohan." Maggie handed Aly Ugluk's sword, then ripped off her shirt.

"Oi!" Merry said, covering his eyes. "What are you doing?"

Maggie took two cans of hair spray and stuck them under her bra straps. "I'm gearing up," she said, taking one can in her hand and the lighter in the other. "All right. Merry, Pippin, you are going to be what I refer to as 'bait.' I want both of you to run toward the Orcs, scream at them, then run back this way. You see that big tree right there?" She pointed to one on the edge of the forest. "Once you come back over here, climb that tree like your life depended on it. Actually, your life will depend on it, so climb fast. Aly, you get behind the tree with me."

Aly smiled and dove behind the tree, humming a bit of the Indiana Jones theme song. Maggie followed her, then, once she was behind the tree, motioned for Merry and Pippin to spring into action.

Merry gave Pippin a worried look before the two of them took off, arms flailing, their little Hobbit voices piercing the night. Aly and Maggie watched apprehensively as the Orcs raised their heads and looked in their direction.

"The prisoners are loose!" Ugluk bellowed. "Seize them!" 

Merry and Pippin turned and ran, their curly Hobbit hair flapping wildly in the wind. They made it to the tree and threw themselves on the trunk of it, scrambling toward the top. The Orcs charged toward them, their weapons raised high.

"This is it," Maggie said to Aly. "Go!!"

"Rawr!" Aly growled, springing from behind the tree, swinging her sword in all directions.

Maggie jumped into the open and pointed the hair spray can at two advancing Orcs. She held the lighter up to the can and pressed the spray button down. Flames shot forth and consumed the two Orcs, who fell to the ground in pain. "Yeah, that's right. Aerosol is mighty tasty!"

"Mags!" Aly yelled as she dodged an Orc blade. "Little help here?"

"No problem, my red-headed friend," Maggie said as she blasted the Orcs into oblivion with her homemade torch. Now all the Orcs had surrounded Maggie and Aly, but they didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of defeating the girls. Maggie went through two and a half cans of hair spray, and every member of the Orc group was lying in a smoldering heap within minutes.

"Look at them go, Merry," Pippin said as he and Merry watched from the tree top.

"Yeah," Merry answered as he watched Aly slice and dice one of the last Orcs.

Pippin sighed. "God, I love those women."

"Merry! Pip!" Aly yelled up to them as she dropped her sword to the ground. "You can come down now. The Orcs are history."

Maggie made her way back to the tree, her hair fraying every which way from her head. "Whew! That was. . .so much fun!" She placed the lighter and remaining hair spray cans in Aly's purse and put her shirt back on.

A horse whinnied in the near distance. "What's that?" Merry asked as he and Pippin dropped from the tree.

"Riders of Rohan," Aly said as the silhouettes of men on horses seeped into sight. They rode swiftly and their battle cries rang through the night as they stampeded toward Maggie, Aly, and the Hobbits.

"Whoa!" Maggie said waving her arms over her head, signaling for them to stop.

The Riders came to a screeching halt. One man and his horse skidded to a stop inches away from Aly's feet. "Let's watch it with those, buddy. Horsies aren't toys," Aly warned.

"What is the meaning of this?" The man said as he dismounted and jumped to the ground. "I am Eomer, and we are the Riders of Rohan. We were hunting a band of Orcs. Have you by any chance seen them?"

"Yes siree, Bob," Maggie said, gesturing to the smoking pile of Orc carcasses behind her. "It's cool. We took care of them."

Eomer blinked several times at the four tiny figures that stood before him. "The four of you managed to kill all of those Orcs."

"Actually, it was just the two girls," Merry said, shooting Maggie and Aly a beaming smile. "They're a couple of Amazon women. I wouldn't get too close to them."

"That is the niftiest helmet I've ever seen," Maggie said, pointing to Eomer's shining helmet. "Look! It's even got a cool little horsie tail. Mind if I try it on?"

Eomer removed his helmet slowly and handed it to Maggie. "Uh, go ahead. Knock yourself out."

"Awesome," Maggie said. She put the helmet it on and it immediately swallowed her head, the bottom of it grazing her shoulders. "Damn, I feel cool. Come on, Pippin," she said, jumping onto his back. "You can be my noble steed."

While Maggie and Pippin made a slow victory lap around the dead Orcs, Aly chatted with Eomer. "Listen, buddy, we really appreciate the fact that you were gonna kill all the Orcs for us. But, since you didn't have to do it, do you think I could ask a favor?"

"Anything, young maiden," Eomer said, bowing slightly.

"Do you think you could spare a couple of strong, muscular horses? We'd really prefer to ride in style."

Eomer grimaced. "Do you think you might ask for something else?"

"No," Aly said putting her hands on her hips. "Look, we did you a favor. None of your men got killed, and none of you had to get dirty or tired or sweaty or anything. Now, the least you could do is give us some horses. I'm sure you have two to spare."

Eomer sighed. Then, he whispered something to one of his men. "We only have two to spare, milady." He climbed back onto his horse. "I hope that these two mighty animals will serve the four of you, o brave warriors."

"Leaving so soon?" Maggie said as she and Pippin returned. She removed the helmet and handed it to Eomer. "Thanks for letting me borrow your hat."

"My pleasure," Eomer said as one of his men lead two animals over to the girls. "We now present you with two of Rohan's finest: Milton and Gertie."

Maggie, Aly, and the Hobbits stared at their "noble steeds." Gertie turned out to be an old mare with sparse brown hair. Milton was a donkey with a serious over bite. "What the hell are these?" Aly demanded.

"All that we could spare," Eomer said, turning his horse around. "Until we meet again, young warriors." And with that, the Riders of Rohan galloped off into the darkness of night, stirring up a small cloud of dust.

Aly sighed and mounted Gertie. As she settled down onto the mare's saddle, Gertie let out a colon-rattling fart. Instead of moving forward when Aly commanded her to, Gertie just stood still and pulled a few weeds from the earth and began munching them.

"Great," Maggie said. "We just killed fifty Orcs, and what do we get in return? A farting mare and an ass named Milton."


	4. Chapter Four

** *And we're back! Sorry it took so incredibly long. We'v been working a little on the website. More pics of Maggie and Aly, plus their bios will be up veddy, veddy soon. Secondly, thank all of you for reviewing the last chapter: Videl-14, Enednilwen, kyro, HorseLrdofRohan, and leggy's gurl. We hope that you all enjoy the next chapter. Please read and review!***

The vast prairies of Middle-Earth spread ominously in front of Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, and young Frodo and Sam as they tried painstakingly to catch up with the Orcs who had kid-napped their friends.

Legolas stopped for a moment and gazed up at the sky, taking great notice at the color of the sun. "A red sun rises," he said. "Blood has been spilled this night."

After Legolas said that, Frodo turned his eyes to the sky. "Um, Legolas, the sun has always been a little red-looking to me. But hey, you've got the Elf eyes."

"Hello!" Aragorn had stopped at the top of a ridge, his hands placed firmly on his hips. "Time's clicking! Our friends could be dead at any second. And what are you doing? That's right, standing there with your thumb up your ass getting a sun tan. This isn't a holiday. We're not in Palm Springs. Move along!" He turned and sprinted off.

Boromir turned to the others as they all began jogging after Aragorn. "He's getting quite persistent lately," he said. "I'm beginning to think he's losing his mind."

"I'll agree with you on that one," Sam said, huffing along with his pack weighing him down.

"Right you are, my Hobbit friend," Legolas agreed. "Lately Aragorn's been acting like someone lodged the important stick up his rear."

Boromir raised his eyebrows. "The important stick?"

Frodo shook his head. "He's still trying to learn how to insult people," he said, motioning to Legolas.

"Legolas!" Aragorn shouted. He turned to face them, but still continuing running backward. "Did you hear t–" Aragorn tripped over a rock and went rolling down an incline. He tried many times to stop, but it was no use. He continued rolling until he hit level ground.

Frodo nearly wet himself. "Oh, I am loving this! Pick your feet up, Aragorn!" He cackled wildly, Sam soon joining in.

Aragorn jumped up violently and pushed his long hair off his face. "No one saw that."

A soft rumbling in the distance caught the attention of everyone. Small figures on horseback came into view, although the horses were weaving toward them at a very slow pace. Aragorn's pride returned, and he motioned to the Hobbits.

"Frodo! Sam!" he called. "Hurry down and hide behind this big rock for no apparent reason while I call for these riders' attention." Then, he called to Legolas. "Elf! Where is Gimli?"

Legolas pointed to a stout figure trotting hastily toward Frodo and Sam. "He's on his way."

Gimli was sprinting, head down, humming a little tune. "Running sucks, Running sucks, running really, really sucks!"

Aragorn sighed, then motioned to Legolas. "Legolas! Get your Elf ass behind that rock!"

Legolas's jaw dropped open. "Pardon? Why must I cower behind the rocks amongst the Hobbits?"

"Hey. . ." Sam began, but Frodo pushed him down.

Aragorn massaged his temple. "Would you just do as I say?"

"Look, Human," Legolas shot back planting his hands firmly on his hips. "You are not the supreme ruler around here. Don't you remember what Gandalf said? We are both supposed to lead the Fellowship."

"Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!" Frodo called. "Go for it, Legolas! Deck him!"

Sam shot Frodo a weird look. 

Frodo shrugged. "What?"

Aragorn sighed. "Fine. Just stay there. But, don't come crying to me when these men don't like Elves."

The men on horses came closer to the Fellowship. Aragorn recognized the crest on their banners and shields and threw his hands into the air. "Riders of Rohan! What news of the Mark?"

The riders veered to a sloppy halt. The smell of whiskey and beer permeated the air. The made a sort-of circle around Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn, and Boromir. Eomer leaned forward and sang to the four. "Home, home on the range! Where the cat and the birdie can playyyyyy! HIC! Wait. What are you, no, what are WE doing? HIC!"

Aragorn, unsure of what to say, threw a glance to Legolas. Legolas just bugged his eyes out and shook his head, signaling that he didn't know how to handle the situation either. Gimli and Boromir said nothing, although Boromir's left eye had begun to twitch.

Frodo shook his head. "They don't know what they're doing. Stupid idi–" he tried to stand, but Sam pulled him back into the dirt.

"Don't, Frodo," Sam whispered, peering over the top of the rock. "Let them handle it."

"BUUUUUUUURRRRRRRPPP!" Eomer let out a belch and slumped to the ground off his horse. He rubbed his eyes fiercely and glared at Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, and Boromir as if he were seeing them for the first time. "What would two –HIC!– men, an Elf, and an ugly-looking little girl want to know about Rohan?"

Legolas couldn't help himself. A snort escaped. Then a chuckle, and pretty soon he was guffawing with laughter, holding up one finger at Gimli. "And ugly-looking little girl! A _ girl!!_" He repeated over and over.

Boromir's eye twitched some more, and he mumbled to himself. "Stop. . .leave. . . don't do that. . ."

"ACK! An ugly girl, you say?" Gimli bellowed. He pulled his axe out and swung it menacingly around. "Stupid. . . .goddamn. . . .son of an ass crack. . . .mother fu. . . ."

"Oh, Gimli, he didn't mean it. Look, this is getting–holy sh–" Frodo had once again tried to emerge from behind the rock, and once again Sam had jerked him back into hiding.

Legolas had finally recovered. He nudged Aragorn in the ribs. "Well, you wanted to be in charge. Go ahead. Attempt to get information out of a drunkard and his band of merry men."

"That's it," Aragorn said. "You and me, Elf. As soon as we pass by another mud pit." Aragorn cleared his throat. He placed a hand on Eomer's shoulder. "Excuse me, sir. What is your name?"

Eomer let out a cackle. "Noooooo. . . .what is YOUR name?"For some odd reason, he unsheathed his sword and snarled at Aragorn.

Aragorn was quite taken aback by this behavior, but he covered it. "Peace, my friend. I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, this is Boromir of Gondor, Legolas of the Woodland Realm. And this is Gimli, son of Gloin. A dwarf. A _ male_ dwarf. We have been tracking a band of Orcs who captured for of our friends. Have you by any chance seen them?"

Eomer thought for half a second. "Nope. Can't say that I have."

Gimli gasped. "You haven't seen two Hobbits? Two Hobbit and a couple of Elf witch lasses?"

Eomer thought for another half second. "No. . .wait! No, no I haven't. Wait! Yes, we did."

Legolas lunged forward. "You have? Are the fallers all right? Were the fallers of the sky safe and well?" He shook Eomer's shoulders violently with each syllable he spoke.

"Whoa, Elf," Eomer said, pushing Legolas off of him. "I don't know what you're talking about. Fallers. . . .that is messed up, dude. No, we saw a bunch of Orcs, and we kicked their asses. There's no way two little girls could've done that. We DID that! Cause we're MEN!" He glanced at his men. "We didn't see any Elf witches or Hobbits, did we?" Everyone shook their heads.

Legolas's beautiful brow wrinkled, and he sighed. "Oh. . . .oh, Aragorn. . . ."

"If your friends were among them, we didn't see them. But, if you're willing to sift through some nasty ass Orc corpses, We– meaning my men and I– piled them over there, and set them afire." Eomer's blurry eyes scanned the somber faces of the men, the Elf, and the Dwarf. "Look, we're sorry. Here, have four of our horses. I'm sure they'll compensate for your friends." Eomer jumped up onto his horse and began to ride away.

Legolas clenched his teeth, and before anyone could stop him, he had notched an arrow and let it fly. He hit Eomer's horse squarely in the rear. The horse bucked his drunken rider off and galloped away after the rest of the Riders.

Frodo watched Eomer roll around on the ground. Finally, he couldn't stand it any longer. "You bastard son of a bitch!" He ran as fast as his Hobbit feet would take him and began punding his massive feet into Eomer's face. "I can't believe you! Those were my friends!"

Aragorn ran to pull Frodo off Eomer. "Frodo, calm down. There's nothing we can do now." Aragorn glanced to make sure no one was looking, then he hocked a big loogie right onto Eomer's left cheek. "That one. . .was from me. Remember that."

Legolas, Boromir, and Gimli had already mounted two of the horses, Gimli sitting uncomfortably behind Legolas. Aragorn quickly grabbed one of the other horse's reins and hopped on. "Frodo, ride with Boromir. Sam, you come with me."

Frodo sighed. "I don't want to ride with him. He's a crazy ass."

Boromir didn't even acknowledge the statement. His eye just twitched fiercely, and he muttered something about Borry and the One Ring.

"Frodo, I don't have time for this. You and Sam ride the other horse then," Aragorn said. He galloped off toward the thick cloud of smoke off in the distance.

Frodo grabbed the reins of the vacant horse, and stared up at the towering beast. "Um. . . hi." Frodo decided that it would be best to make small talk for a while before actually climbing on the animal that was four times as big as him. The horse eyed Frodo and Sam warily. "Quit looking at me like that," Frodo said. The horse snorted and looked away. "That's what I thought." He somehow managed to cram one of his Hobbit feet into a stirrup. "All right," he told Sam. "Now just push me-----Augh!" Frodo let out a howling screech as the horse crunched down on his other foot with his massive hoof.

A short distance away, Legolas was having trouble steering his horse in the right direction. 

"Are we just going to stand here all day, Elf?" Gimli asked impatiently.

"Shut your ugly girl face," Legolas huffed. Legolas nudged the sides of his horse lightly, but the horse just snorted and began munching quietly on some grass. "Steady on boy!" Legolas said, snapping the reins. "This way!" The horse remained in the same spot.

"Good steering, Elf," Gimli chuckled.

"Shut. . . .your. . . .face," Legolas said. He finally jammed his heels into the horse's side as hard as he could. "Yippe I Ki-Yay, motherfucker!" Legolas bellowed. The horse whinnied loudly and shot off toward Boromir and Aragorn.

Frodo was still hopping around, nursing his foot. Sam was losing his patience. "Frodo. . . ." He grabbed Frodo by the seat of his pants, threw him atop the horse, climbed on himself and commanded the horse to trot after the others.

"Way to take charge, Sam the Man," Frodo said.

"No time for funny names, Mr. Frodo," Sam said, sniffling. "Miss Aly and Miss Maggie could be dead."

Frodo gave Sam a small smile. "Nah. Something tells me those girls have a thing or two up their sleeves. I'll bet anything that they're over there sunbathing or having a backbend contest."

Sam wiped his tears. "I just hope you're right."


	5. Chapter Five

** *hides in shame* I know, I'm sorry! It's been forever. You've all been kind enough to wait every patiently, but guess what? The wait is over! And this is a nice, long chapter too. Please, please, please enjoy and review it. Also, our website has been heavily updated (bios, pics, all kinds of fun stuff). So, read the chapter, then pay homage to us at our shrine. MWA HA HA! *glances around* Sorry, don't know where that came from. . .**

The members of the Fellowship came to a dust-stirring halt near a towering pile of burning Orc carcasses. Legolas was the first to dismount his horse. He pointed feebly at the pile. "There it. . .it is," he said quietly. 

Aragorn let out a long, tired sigh as he dismounted his horse. "Yep. That. . .is one big pile of. . .Orcs."

No one spoke for a moment as Sam and Frodo joined the rest, their horse teetering and tottering to the left and right. Gimli fell off his horse, and Boromir shook his head lightly. "It's hopeless."

Sam slid off the horse, then helped Frodo to the ground. He wiped half-heartedly at the tears in his eyes. "I can't bear to look at it, Mr. Frodo."

Frodo patted his friend on the back. "There, there, Sam." He left Sam and joined Aragorn nearer to the Orc pile. "Well, what do we do now?"

Aragorn didn't say anything. He just threw one body off the pile and began digging through, searching for any sign of Maggie, Aly, and the Hobbits.

Frodo looked on in disgust, covering his nose. "Aragorn, you will wash your hands before you eat anything, right? I mean, Orcs are like cockroaches. They spread disease, man."

Sam had wandered closer to the forest, and one of his Hobbit feet kicked something. He stopped and picked up the item. "What's this?" he asked no one in particular.

Legolas sighed, taking the empty can of hair spray from Sam's hands. "It was one of the gifts. . .to the fallers of the sky, from Galadriel." Legolas could not maintain his composure anymore. He fell to his knees and let out a cry to the heavens. "Why?! Why did you take them from us?!"

Frodo was quite astonished by Legolas's behavior. He patted the Elf on the back. "Um, it's okay, big guy."

Sam was no help. "What about the fate of Middle Earth? I mean, have we all forgotten that Aly had the One Ring?"

Legolas's eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "Oh my God! Aragorn! Code blue! Code blue! What about the Ring?" he yelled as he ran toward Aragorn.

Aragorn looked up from the carcass pile. "The Ring? Ah, shit. . ." He stood up and kicked an Orc helmet clear across the clearing. "Arrrrggghhh!" He fell to his knees, then he let out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair. "Damn it, damn it, damn it."

The rest of the Fellowship did not know what to say. Legolas muttered an Elven prayer under his breath, while Boromir continued to twitch slightly. Frodo noticed the twitching and slowly inched away from Boromir. Gimli rubbed his face with his two massive hands, while Sam let out a couple giant sobs.

Aragorn cast his eyes to the ground. He noticed a slight indention in the dirt. A small smile crept across his face as he patted the indention. "A hobbit butt sat here." His looked a bit further. "And another here. . .and two more over here."

Sam scurried over, the rest of the boys following behind him. "You can see a Hobbit butt imprint?"

Legolas peered over Aragorn's shoulder and pointed to the ground. "That's is most certainly Maggie's butt print."

Frodo jumped up and down, pointing to the ground. "Yeah, I'd notice THAT ass print anywhere! That's my sweetheart, Aly!"

Gimli grunted. "Aly doesn't have an ass."

Frodo crossed his arms. "That's why I recognized it, stupid."

Aragorn wasn't paying attention. He was following the marks on the ground, the others trailing behind him. "They stood up, fell down, stood up, then scurried over here. Look," he said, snatching up a piece of rope. "They cut their binding."

"The tracks lead away from the battle, Aragorn," Legolas supplied as they all scurried toward Aragorn, who was dashing toward a big tree that stood on the edge of the forest.

"The Hobbits went up the tree. The girls. . .were here, behind it," Aragorn said. He picked up an empty hair spray can, then cast it back to the ground. "There are footprints over here. Hobbit footprints."

Gimli was looking in a different direction than everyone else. He suddenly sucked in a rattling breath and pointed. "There are scorch marks over here! Those Riders lied! They didn't do this, the fallers of the sky did. Elf Witches messed with fire!"

Legolas scratched his head. "The cans. . .and a lighter! The girls were fighting!"

Boromir, who had been twitching insanely for the past few minutes, let out a loud bellow. "Myyyyyy. . .PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSS!" He dropped down to all fours and bounded away, still screaming madly.

Aragorn stood up, startled. "Boromir!"

Gimli grunted. "He knows where the Ring is, the little rat!" Gimli took off at a trot behind Boromir.

A glimmer of hope flitted across Legolas's face, and he took off after Gimli. Aragorn motioned to Sam and Frodo, and they all broke into a run. They tromped around the edge of the forest trying to keep up with Boromir.

They finally skidded to a halt and fell into a big heap near an old oak tree. Aragorn looked up and saw Maggie and Aly lying on the ground propped up on their elbows. Pippin was using a big leaf to fan Aly's face, and Merry was rubbing suntan lotion on Maggie's shoulders.

Frodo and Aragorn managed to disentangle themselves from the heap first. They leap to their feet and yelled. "Merry, Pippin! Fallers of the sky!"

Aly tipped her sun shades down. "Guys?"

The others had managed to rise to their feet. The ran over to the girls in slow motion, while Merry and Pippin broke into a rousing rendition of "The Boys are Back in Town."

"Aly!" Frodo screamed. "My no-bottomed woman!"

"Hey Fr–" Aly was knocked flat on her back as Frodo pounced on her.

Boromir pounced on top of both of them, sniffing the air wildly. "Precious, Precious, wherezzzz is it?"

"Augh!" Aly said, pushing both of them off of her. "Crazy ass Boromir."

_ "Guess who just got back today! Those wild eyed boys who went away_!" Merry and Pippin belted out.

"Oh, I'm so happy that I might wet myself!" Pippin announced gleefully.

Maggie stood up and smiled shyly at Legolas. "Hi, Leggy."

"My. . .my fallers of the sky!" Legolas swooped down and pulled Maggie and Aly into a huge embrace. Then, in a moment of sheer manic happiness, he reached over and pulled Aragorn into the hug as well.

"Whoa, did you guys miss us or something?" Maggie asked, giggling.

Sam sniffled. "Of course we did! We missed all of you!" He pulled Merry and Pippin's head into his chest, then let out another sniffle. "I'm just so. . .so happy!" He lunged forward and joined the group hug, dragging Merry and Pippin along with him.

Frodo squeezed his way into the hug as well. "It was so boring without you," he said to Aly and Maggie.

Aly laughed. "Frodo my man."

Gimli let out a grunt. "Ack! I missed the little buggers as well, even if they are Elf witches! Ack!" He threw himself into the hug.

"Well, we missed you guys too!" Maggie said, although it was muffled because she was talking into Legolas's armpit. 

No one said anything for a few seconds. Everyone just stood in a massive heap, latched onto each other. They were quite a sight to see. Such a sight, in fact, that a couple of squirrels emerged from their home and had a big laugh about the big, stupidly emotional people. 

Silence wore on. There was nothing on the air except the squirrel's laughter and Boromir, who was crouched a few feet away, sucking his thumb.

"Um, guys," Maggie finally spoke, although her voice was now muffled by Aragorn's butt. "This is a very touching Hallmark moment, but we must remember the task at hand. The Ring."

Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn backed away quickly, as if suddenly remembering that guys aren't allowed to hug other guys. Aragorn cleared his throat. "Yes, the Ring. Aly, do you still have it?"

"Yeah, it's right here," Aly said, patting the left pocket of her jeans.

Maggie brushed her hair out of her eyes. "So, what have you guys been up to?"

"Running our asses off," Gimli grunted.

Legolas laughed. "Yes, Eomer and the Riders of Rohan told us that they had killed the band of Orcs. We thought you were dead."

"He said WHAT?" Aly boomed. "Goddamn man, I'm gonna kill his sorry ass."

Merry pointed to two animals near the forest. "Speaking of asses, Eomer gave us one named Milton. And an old mare named Gertie. Said it was all he could spare."

"He gave us some awesome horses," Frodo said.

"Oh shut up," Aly said.

"Hee haw!" Milton said in response to the conversation.

"Pffffffttttttt." A long, lengthy toot was all Gertie had to add to the conversation.

Aragorn turned back to Aly. "You better give Frodo the Ring back."

"No prob," she said. She fished it out of her pocket and tried to drop it into Frodo's hand, but she missed. The One Ring went rolling into the forest and out of sight. 

"Oh no!" Maggie said.

"All right! Everyone spread out!" Legolas called. "We need to find it as quickly as possible."

"Yes," Aragorn said. "Listen to Legolas. Let us all go into the dangerous forest of unknown ag and anger." He stepped inside the forest, hunched over close to the ground. Merry frolicked behind him, while Boromir chased a butterfly.

"Unknown age and anger?" Frodo repeated, crossing his arms. "That sounds safe. "Sure, let's plod right on in there."

Aly was standing on the edge of the forest, completely still, her eyes closed. She seemed to be muttering to herself. Maggie stepped a little closer to her. "Noises in the dark. . .water. . .thorns. . .vines. . .murky night shadows. . . .falling into the. . . ." Aly said softly, her eyes still clamped shut.

"Aly? What's wrong?" Maggie asked.

"Miss Aly?" Sam said, crossing over to her.

"Aly, are you having a flashback?" Maggie asked.

Aly shook her head a bit, and her eyes twitched slightly. "It's. . .the. . . .LAGOON!" Aly dropped to the ground and curled into the fetal position slowly rocking back and forth.

Maggie's lip trembled. She turned to address everyone else. "She can't go in there!" 

"What?" Aragorn yelled as he emerged from the forest and started walking toward Maggie and Aly.

Legolas trotted over as well. "Why not?"

"Noises! Noises everywhere!" Aly screeched. "In the dark! Alone! That damn jack and tire iron. The vines! THORNS!"

"Bad experience with thickly grown forests," Maggie explained as she crouched over Aly. "This one time. . .flat tire. . .broke down. . .in the middle of nowhere. . ."

"Flat tire?" Pippin wondered aloud.

"She had to go through the aptly named lagoon for help. Once by herself."

Aly sat bolt upright. "You don't understand. . .the lagoon. Only Kate knows of it. She went there too. . .THORNS! And snakes. . .water in my shoes. . .snakes. . .eh. . ."

"Kate's my sister," Maggie explained before anyone could ask. "She went with Aly the first time."

Frodo sat down on the ground by Aly. "Come on, Aly. I'm sure this forest won't be as bad. Um. . ." He started bobbing his head a bit, then broke out into a song. "_ Here's a little song I wrote. . .you might want to sing it note for note. . .don't worry, be happy_."

Aragorn sighed and rubbed his temples. "Aly, I'm glad you're back with us, and I'm not going to leave you out here, so. ." He picked up Aly and slung her over one of his muscular shoulders and trotted off for Fangorn Forest.

Something in the forest gave out a loud rumble. Aragorn stopped and unsheathed his sword.

"LAGOOOOOOON!!!!!" Aly wailed.

"Stop screaming," Aragorn commanded. "Listen."

The rumbling got louder and louder. Suddenly, the large oak tree that sat in the middle of the forest edge leaned out and wiggled his branches. "Whoo, mon!" he spoke in a deep, thick Jamaican accent. He held out one of his branches to Aragorn. The Ring was resting on a nest of leaves. "Lose dis?"

Merry screamed. Frodo screamed. Gimli screamed like a girl.

"What's all dee commotion, ay mon?" The oak tree asked.

Aragorn reached out and took the Ring. After giving it back to Frodo, he sat Aly down and squinted up at the tree. "An Ent?"

"Of course I'm an Ent, mon!" the oak tree rumbled.

Aly had regained her composure. "Let me handle this." She stalked toward the tree.

"Aly come back! He may bite!" Merry said, who was clutching Pippin's arm.

"Don't talk to it! Don't encourage it!" Pippin added.

"Um. . .hello," Aly called to the tree. "You're name's Treebeard, right? Right. Wait, what am I diong? Um, I'm talking to a tree. This is insane. Oh, I had a point here."

"Aly!" Aragorn called. "Get on with whatever you're doing."

"Right," Aly said. She turned back to Treebeard. "Um, Mr. Treebeard. . .sir? You wouldn't happen to know where any white wizards are, do you?"

"SARUMAN!" Boromir screamed as he began running in circles.

"Wizards?" Treebeard folded his limbs across his trunk. "Don't tink so, little wo-mon."

"Damn it, Treebeard. You're supposed to take us to the White Wizard. Does any of this ring a bell?" Treebeard just scratched his trunk with one long branch finger.

The other members of the Fellowship were too stunned to do anything. Legolas and Sam were both standing with their mouths hanging open, in awe of the talking tree. Gimli scratched his ass. Frodo noticed Gimli scratching his ass, and decided to scratch his own.

"Mags? A little help here?" Aly called.

Maggie stepped slowly forward. "Hi," she said to Treebeard. "Haha. I'm talking to a tree."

Treebeard paid them no attention. Instead, he got out his dime bag and rolling paper, and began rolling a doobie. Frodo nearly fell over with laughter. "The tree is smoking grass! Hahaha! C'mon, am I the only one who thinks that is funny? Tree? Grass? Get it?"

"Want a hit of me toke, little wo-mon?" Treebeard extended the doobie to Aly.

"Hmm. . .wait, damn it, no! Listen here you!" She stalked up to Treebeard and climbed up, so she could look him straight in the eye.

"Ay, peace an love, little wo-mon!" he said to her. "Before we tolk anymore, I tink we may need to hov a Ent meetin'. Wit oll me fella Ents."

"LOOK!" Aly yelled. "I've had four goddamn days of running with some smelly ass Uruk-Hair, and I'll be damned if you're having an Ent meeting right now. . . ._ MON!_"

"Why don't you just tell us where the wizard is, then haul your ass down South toward Saruman for a bit. I'm sure you'll find something of interest down there!" Maggie yelled from the ground.

Treebeard picked Aly up and placed her back on the ground. "I tink I'll take a stroll to Sarumon's crib right now, mon. Oh, and before I forget. . ." he pointed to another tree in the forest. "Someone told me to point you in the direction of dat tree." Treebeard turned away from the Fellowship and started walking slowly through the forest.

"Thanks!" Aly called. Then, she turned to Maggie. "Dumber than a block of wood." Maggie giggled.

"But," Frodo said, "Treebeard is a bl. . .HAHAH! I get it!"

Aly wrapped her arm around Frodo's neck and gave him a noogie. "Come on, Frodo my man. Accompany me on a short trek through the forest." The rest of the Fellowship trotted off toward the tree that the Ent had pointed out to them.


	6. Chapter Six

**Hello to our devoted fans! Sorry about the long hiatus. We found it difficult to continue with the story without having a movie to follow along with. But, now that "TTT" is out on video, the chapters will be rolling on out. Please read and review, and we'll see you all again in 1974.....no? We heard that somewhere... **

As the Fellowship trekked into the forest towards the looming tree they were directed toward, Maggie kindly engaged everyone in a game of I-Spy. 

"Aly, I spy…something…green," she stated. 

"Leggy's pants - namely the ass of his pants," Aly supplied glancing around. 

"Aly! That's not fair…You two have tele..YOU CAN READ HER MIND!" Sam exclaimed, pointing at the two. Gimli nodded and murmured something about Elf Witches and all that BS mind reading crap. 

Aly and Maggie glanced at each other and exchanged a slight shrug. 

As Boromir dashed among the trees, Frodo stayed close to Aly, clinging to her leg. Maggie stayed at a nice distance to Legolas's back, Gimli tripped every now and then cursing about sons of bitches. Merry and Pippin were busy chasing a random butterfly while Aragorn tried to ignore everyone for the sake of his sanity. 

However, his sanity would have to wait as the Elf suddenly stopped and glanced around with a strange concentrating expression on his face. "This forest is old…very old." 

Frodo peeked around Aly's side. "No way?" He questioned sarcastically. "I would've never guessed from the rotten smell and the masses of dangling moss!!" He gestured around the forest before planting his hands on his hips. 

"Can forests BE anything BUT old??" Sam questioned, trekking behind Frodo and Aly, his pots and pans clanging around with his hobbity stride. 

"Boromir, quit dashing around like that! You'll disturb something!" Aragorn hissed as the Son of Gondor shot past, executing the tuck-and-roll maneuver. 

"Jesus. . . male PMS," Maggie murmured, which made Aly snigger. 

"Aw, come on now," Sam began protesting in Aragorn's defense. "Mr. Strider's got a lot of stress on him right now, what with being heir to the entire kingdom of Gondor and being the last hope for the race of Men and all…" 

Aragorn turned around and gave Sam a stern look. "Sam," he said, catching the hobbit's attention sharply. 

Sam looked up and his little eyes widened. "Oh . . . I reckon I shouldn't of said that . . ." he mentioned quietly. 

Aragorn cleared his throat. "If I could just for-" 

The King-to-be was cut off by the Elf again. "This forest is full of memory," Legolas stated. "And anger . . ." 

"Leggy, enough with the forest talk - would ya?" Aly replied. "The forest can speak for itself…literally." 

"I'm a Wood-Elf, what the damn do you expect?!" Legolas said loudly, despite his usual quiet ways. 

"Fuck or hell, dearest . . . not damn. You're still stuck on the 'damns,'" Maggie corrected, stroking the Elf's arm. 

"Goddamnit…I must piss," Aly stated. "I shall return." She trotted off without a look back as Aragorn hissed at her to stay where she was. 

"Damn Elf Witch…son of a b-" 

Maggie had had enough of Gimli and his 'Elf witch' statements. As he was walking past her, she put her foot out and he promptly toppled over, his axe flying into the closest tree. Maggie glanced around before whistling and walking away. 

"That was almost my head!" Pippin exclaimed, appearing from the brush around that particular tree, his hair strangely parted. 

Once more it sounded as if massive farts were being passed between the trees of Fangorn Forest. Pippin leapt from his place to pounce on Maggie. "HOLD ME!" he shouted. 

"Don't you be pissin' on me now!" Maggie cried, trying to detach the hobbit from her. 

"The trees are speaking to each other," Legolas commented, safely out of Aly's hearing - where ever she was. 

"Gimli!" Maggie exclaimed. "Get your axe out of that tree, dumb ass! You pissed them off!" 

Gimli was busy inspecting the substance he had landed in. So, Merry flexed his hobbity muscles and strode over to the axe, jumped slightly to grasp it and gave a mighty jerk. This succeeded in freeing the axe from the tree - however, Merry hadn't gone to the Shire gym quite often enough, and he flipped forward with the weight of the massive axe. 

"OY!" he shouted as Frodo burst out laughing. 

Boromir suddenly came bounding out of the trees and leapt for Aragorn, landing in his arms like Shaggy and Scooby Doo. 

"Borry! What the-" Frodo was cut off by the high pitch scream that resonated from Boromir's mouth. With this incredibly annoying and feminine sound, the winds shifted and Legolas was quick enough to say that the White Wizard was approaching, even though no one could really hear him over Boromir's screaming. . 

Aragorn, however, heard this and dropped Boromir, and joined Legolas, glancing around suspiciously. "We mustn't let him speak. He'll cast a spell on us," he whispered to the Elf, grasping his sword as Legolas notched an arrow. 

Suddenly the forest lit brightly with a white light that appeared from seemingly no where. Boromir screeched once more. Pippin, characteristically, screamed as well then wet himself. Legolas, with his Elf reflexes, shot off two arrows that, remarkably, were blocked by the strange light. Gimli, oblivious to the happenings around him, was still inspecting the substance he had landed in. 

"Damn it!" Aragorn exclaimed, dropping his sword that suddenly heated to fry his hand. The sword, unfortunately, landed on Boromir's head - who still lay in a panic on the ground at the Ranger's feet. 

"IT BURNSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!" 

As things quieted after a short moment or two, Maggie shielded her eyes to the light and ventured a step forward. "Jesus. . .is that you?" 

"You came here in the guidance of an Ent," the light spoke. 

"And?" Frodo probed. Sam delivered a sharp nudge to Frodo's side and gave him a stern look. 

The light faltered and a grumble was heard. Then the voice continued, "I know who you are. Does that comfort you?" 

"The fuck it does!" Maggie exclaimed. "I'm a sinner!" 

Aly chose then to come back into view, fitting a vine around the waist of her pants since the button was gone. "You guys realize how big the leaves are aroun-" she glanced up and went stark white. "JESUS! THE RAPTURE HAS COME!" 

"I should've listened to my Sunday school teacher when I was 5!!" Maggie added, clinging to Pippin. "Bow down, Pippin. It's our Lord and Savior!" she wailed, dragging Pippin to the ground with her. 

"He's come to take us away, Hot Old Guy!" Aly cried, springing to Aragorn and clutching his arm. 

Frodo, in a moment of bravery, puffed out his chest and marched forward. "Hey! Look here you . . .Jesus . . .person. Just what business do you have with these two?" 

Legolas, fueled from Frodo's bravery, spoke up boldly. "You are not ta-" 

"Jesus? Who?" The voice from the light spoke up with an oddly familiar accent. "What are you talking about?" The light began to dim, and the figure's face came into view. "He questioned, squinting into the light. 

"Gramps?!" Maggie and Aly exclaimed in a high pitched voice. 

"Don't you 'Gramps' me you little Elf-Witches!" Gandalf said loudly, jumping off the trunk he was standing on while waving away the misty white 'light'. "Nearly got yourselves killed with those Uruk-Hai, I see!" 

Maggie frowned and glanced at Aly. "Not really," she said. "We kicked their asses, no thanks to our little male friends over there," she added throwing a thumb towards Merry and Pippin. Merry just waved meekly, as Pippin was trying to block anyone's notice of the 'wet-spot'. 

"This cannot be. You stayed behind. You stayed with the nudists," Aragorn said, a flabbergasted look on his face as he stared at the 'white' wizard. 

"Yes. Yes, I did," Gandalf murmured, his eyes suddenly getting a distant look in them. 

_Gandalf water skiing with one hand withou- _

"WHOA!" Frodo exclaimed suddenly. "Way too graphic of thoughts here," he said, nearly staggering at the sudden dizzy spell that overcame him. Aly laid a hand on his shoulder with a reassuring pat. 

"Just…don't think about it," she told him. 

"That.." Sam started, "Could have been life scarring," he said, his eyes blank and his face pale. 

Gandalf, mean while, was glaring at them. "I am comfortable with my bod-" A sudden breeze passed through the forest and swept around the old Wizard, blowing the lip of his cloak up around his chest, in a truly horrifying Marilyn Monroe moment. It then became obvious that their friend Gandalf had taken up a new fashion: going commando. 

"IT BURNSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!" Boromir cried from his place on the ground. This was soon followed by the Son of Gondor spasming then blacking out. 

"Holy Mother of Christ!!" Maggie exclaimed, quickly shielding her eyes and Legolas's. "Ever hear of underwear?!?!" 

Gandalf pushed the cloak back down and was beet red under his grey bread. "Erm.." 

The forest was then silent besides the ragged breathing of the Fellowship as they tried to recover from the worst fashion crime known to humanity…or Elfity…or Dwa- Yes. Living Things…ity. 

"Sam..?" Aly said, feeling out blindly as she was afraid to open her eyes. "Sam man?" 

Sam, however, was frozen. His eyes wide and terrified and he gently swayed back and forth. Aly opened half an eye to look at him. "SAM!" she exclaimed. "He's in shock! Look what you've done, Gandalf!" 

Gandalf frowned and looked at Aragorn, who was more than happy that he was on the blocked side of the wizard. "Gandalf?" Gandalf questioned. "Yes. . . that's what they used to call me. Gandalf the Grey." Aragorn glanced from side to side then nodded gingerly, waiting for him to continue. "** _I_** and Gandalf the Nude." 

The group visibly shuddered. Merry finally hoisted the axe off of him and stood. "Gandalf the who?" 

"Someone just say The Who?" Maggie asked, uncovering her eyes and peering around. 

"Who's the who?" Legolas asked. 

"The Who," Maggie replied. 

"Who?" Frodo questioned. 

"The Who. They're who," Aly supplied. 

"They're whose who?" Sam enquired. 

"Who has who?" Gimli piped up. 

"No - Who is the Who. That's Who," Maggie gritted out. 

"Who's what?" Aragorn frowned as he asked. 

"Who is the Who!" Aly exclaimed. 

"That's what we're asking you!" The male members of the fellowship shouted back. 

Maggie and Aly looked at each other and just sighed and hung their heads. "Never mind," Maggie muttered. "Gramps - let's go get you some horse power." she said, meandering her way to Aly then the two walked defeated out of the forest. 

"Erm…Is someone going to get Borry and Pippin?" Merry asked as the group followed. 

Once out of the forest, Legolas threw Boromir down on the ground then Aragorn toppled Pippin on him as well. Everyone kind of just stood around a moment until Gandalf glanced up. 

"Oh., right," he said, licking his lips making Aly grimace and Frodo bury his face in the nearest horse's flank. Soon a piercing whistle was heard, then a lower one that wavered in the wind. Aly's eyes anxiously looked towards the plains and she jumped for joy when a loud whinney replied to the whistle. 

"Jesus," Maggie muttered, looking at Sam and jerking a thumb in Aly's direction. "Her and that damn horse obsession." 

Boromir stirred and blinked. Looking up, he noted Gandalf was standing over him, and that he could see clearly up Gandalf's robe. He was speechless, needless to say. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. Gandalf glanced down at Boromir, and gave him a puzzled look. "Were you in cold water a lot?" Boromir questioned as he pointed to something up Gandalf's robe, making all heads snap in his direction. 

"Oh my god! That's disgusting!" Maggie cried as the man, Elf, dwarf, and hobbits laughed at this. Aly snorted and Maggie peered at her, her face showing how appalled she was. 

Gandalf, meanwhile, had turned thirty shades red and pointed at Boromir. "Don't make me turn you into a toad!!" he exclaimed, as a sudden thunder - in the sunny day - rumbled around them. 

In the mean time, Shadowfax had made his massive entrance and came to Gandalf's side with a snort. 

"Shadowfax," Gandalf greeted, forgetting about the human that was crawling out of sight. 

"Aly…Close your mouth," Maggie instructed of her friend as she stared at the beautiful horse. 

"He's just so majestic. I want . . ." Aly whispered. 

"He's the Lord of all horses, Aly .I don't think you can _have _him," Legolas stated. 

"Pfffffffttttt." The old mare Aly and Maggie received from Eomer made her presence remembered with the next breeze. Even Shadowfax snorted as the other horses backed after from Gertie and the horrible stench. 

"Heee-Haww!" Milton called, then sneezed. 

"He has allergies," Merry told Sam. Sam just nodded. 

"Where are we going, anyway?" Frodo suddenly spoke. 

"Edoras," Gandalf supplied. "To King Theoden and his niece--" 

"Bitch ass ho," Aly suddenly said, her eyes shooting to Aragorn. Aragorn glanced around then pointed to himself. "Yeah, you! She's going to come for you, Aragorn!" 

"She's going to want to rape you!" Maggie suddenly screamed as well. 

Aragorn's eyes had gone wide as he looked at the two. They both sprang forward hugging him tightly. 

"Don't worry, Hot Old Guy! We'll keep her away!" Maggie assured. 

Aly muttered something to the likes of, gonna-kick-me-some-shield-maiden-ass…bitch-ass-ho, or something along those lines. 

"Girls!" Legolas exclaimed. Both let go of Aragorn, who was still confused, and looked at the Elf who was already on his horse. "We have to leave sometime," Legolas stated. 

Aly leaned towards Maggie, "I think he's just jealous you were giving Aragorn attention and not him…Better go rape him now," Aly told her friend. 

Maggie thought on this for a split second, then stepped forward. 

"Get on that horse there, or I'll spear you through!" Gandalf suddenly appeared on Shadowfax between Maggie and the Elf. Maggie blinked up at him then quickly did his bidding to climb atop the same horse Sam and Frodo had ridden on just before. 

"Take Pippin," Aragorn said, picking the still unconscious hobbit up and giving him to Maggie. 

"You know.." Aly said, looking at the mare and the ass some distance away munching peacefully. "I think we should just let them be free." She glanced at everyone else who just sort of shrugged. "Bah ha!" She exclaimed racing towards one of the vacant horses. "MINE!" She shouted, bounding onto the horse. 

"Wait, what about Boromir?" Legolas asked as Aly helped Frodo up onto the horse to sit behind her, Merry joined Maggie and the currently unavailable Pippin, and Sam was hoisted up to sit behind Aragorn. 

"FREE!!!!!!!!" Boromir cried, bounding forward on all fours. 

Aly glanced at Maggie with a concerned look. "He's going to fuckin' die if he keeps this shit up," she said bluntly. 

"How do you sit on these things?" Gimli asked from behind Legolas. 

"To Edoras!" Gandalf exclaimed, annoyed with the amount of commotion over a few GD horses… 

Shadowfax took off into the praries after Boromir and the rest of the Fellowship quickly followed as the tapping from the song, "Low Rider" suddenly echoed over the fields. 

Gertie and Milton suddenly looked at the band of Low Riders and glanced at each other. 

"Poot - POOT- POOTTTTTTTTT!!" Gertie and Milton, not two to be left behind, burst forth and followed the group and the grasses wilted in their trail… 

_"All my friends no the low riders…" _


	7. Chapter Seven

** Look Who's Back! That's right, friends, the story of Maggie and Aly continues after a much-too-long hiatus. Enjoy! R/R!**

The sun dipped low into the horizon. Colors of blues, yellows, oranges, and reds painted across the vast sky signaling the soon arrival of twilight. The birds no longer took to the skies and the nightly insects were slowly humming to life in the massive grass lands that were dotted with the occasional boulder or rock uprising. 

One could hear the crickets slowly sing their night song as the frogs from a nearby stream joined in and the evening was in peace. However, the peace, as with all Middle Earth, was soon disrupted. A strange piercing sound split the air. It almost sounded like a scream that was prolonged and bouncing along the terrain. 

From a distance a rider could be seen as he passed along the fields, a trail of dust behind him and his arms frailing everywhere. Behind him followed a strange Gollumy creature who galloped on all fours after the renegade rider. Soon following this Gollumy creature came two more riders shouting numerous things. Then, alas, behind them came a dust cloud of other riders – arms, legs, and other body parts better left unsaid come thundering across the field.

They soon pass with the strange echoing of a female's voice shouting, "I said pull the reins Leggy, for God's sake!! No, grab them first!!"

"Grab what?!" A male's voice replied over the shrieking of another dwarfish scream.

And as they pass, the field is once more in peace and silence. Oh, but what's this? A ..Oh dear God! A horrible smell! For the sake of everything sacred, someone get some Lysol quick! Jesus (Censored) Christ! Someone – Oh God! 

"Heee-Haw!" Milton trotted faithfully behind the farting mare as they left an obvious trail along the field in which some anonymous narrator fell into shadow.

** Two Hours Later:**

Gandalf and Aragorn came to a halt at the top of a small hill. Within their sight they could see the Rohan city they sought. Outside its walls were various signs with massive arrows stating, "Come see the Possessed King!" and "Demon King!! Children's tickets FREE!"

"It is as I feared," Gandalf stated with a grumble while families took sketch pictures outside the walls. 

"Edoras," the wizard stated, looking at the city on the great crest of Rohan, "home to Theoden and his court. Do not let your eyes be fooled, Saruman's evil festers here."

"I wouldn't have guessed," Aragorn muttered as he peered at the signs.

Aly suddenly came flying up next to Aragorn and slid her horse to a stop. Peering at the signs she said, "You think the hobbs can get in for free? They can pass for kids."

Gandalf gave her a glare, as did Frodo and the now coherent Sam. 

"What? Money management people!" she defended herself.

In a moment Maggie's horse drug its feet to stand next to Aly's. 

Maggie added shifting in the saddle. "God – Aly, are these supposed to be this uncomfortable?" 

Aly shifted as well and grimaced. "Rather hard, aren't they great horse-Elf?!" Aly suddenly exclaimed, snapping her gaze around to see Legolas clutching his saddle as his horse bounded up the small hill to a stop.

"I'm a wood-Elf and horses are considered the spawn of Sauron in Woodland Realms!" Legolas replied with a hiccup.

"They are not," Aragorn pointed out after a moment of thought from aboard his healthy steed.

"I'm the Prince of Mirkwood – they will be by the time I get backIf I make it alive or all in tact," he added after a moment while hiccupping again.

"Leggy, dear, you look a little green in the face," Maggie pointed out the obvious. Legolas was more than obviously sick. A green tinge colored his face and he looked ready to vomit at any moment. 

"Horse-Sickness," he grumbled. "Gimli, give me my vom bag."

Gimli gave a heavy sigh and handed forth the small white bag to the Elf in front of him. Legolas promptly relived his previous meal.

Aly smacked her head with her hand and sighed heavily. At this time Maggie tilted her head and sniffed the air slightly. Frodo looked at her fearfully. 

"Sam didn't have any special soup did he??" Frodo asked meekly.

Merry and Pippin went silent from their game of Famous Evil King's name game and clung to Maggie in fear as they all remembered Frodo's little incident with Sam's Special Soup. The Triple SPure work of Sauronit was.

"I most certainly did not!" Sam retorted, shifting. "It's that horse and ass back there."

"Sam, what did I tell you about calling Borry names?" Aly said, peering over her shoulder to see the small hobbit.

"SecretAGENT MAN!" Borry bounded by singing his little tune while the farting mare and the ass trotted behind their new found companion. 

Maggie frowned as she watched them race towards the Edoras. "The hell? Nude Man – shouldn't we be going to go kick some ass or something?" Maggie asked.

Gandalf was busily smoking his pipe-weed as she asked. Aragorn glared before he snatched the pipe from him. "Nud- Gandalf! You're supposed to be leading us here!" he exclaimed. 

Gandalf coughed a bit and wobbled on Shadowfax's back. Glancing around, he said, "Anyone have any lembas bread?? I've got the munchies." 

"Oh Christ, the wizard is high," Aly grumbled and shook her head. 

"I am not high! Now – onward, Fellowship!" Gandalf declared, nearly toppling off of Shadowfax as the horse sprinted up the hill. The remaining Fellowship glanced between themselves before following.

"Think happy thoughts, Leggy!" Maggie called as Legolas' stomach grumbled loudly.

"Just..Ah, Christ.." he replied as he emptied the remaining amounts of digesting food into the bag.

As the Fellowship thundered into the gates of Edoras, a strange ominous flag of the Rohan country came fluttering down. Unfortunately it draped around the running-in-circles Boromir. 

"The DARK!!" he exclaimed in panic. With that, the Son of Gondor ran away from his dusty circle before colliding with the wall surrounding the Rohan city. He moved no more after that. 

"Welcome, Welcome!!" A man dressed in bright colors exclaimed. "Come on; get in a group for a picture!!" 

Too late for anyone to reply, Mr. Fast-Hands drew out the picture and handed it over to Sam. "Enjoy your stay here at Demon-Ruled City!!"

"The fuck?" Maggie asked looking behind her as the Fellowship continued into the city. 

"Merry, Look!" Pippin exclaimed, pointing at a huge buffet table. Before Maggie could say anything, she was alone on her horse again and the two hobbits were racing towards the large display of food.

"Save some for others!" Maggie called. 

"Bright colors," Gandalf noted as he rode through ahead of the group.

"Hot Old Guy – Look out!!" Aly exclaimed. Aragorn, too busy looking at a woman on the height of the stairs, couldn't react in time before a neon green and yellow Cat in the Hat hat was popped on his read that had an arrow pointing down at him saying, "I survived the Possessed King!" 

People danced around them for coins and a loud chorus of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" was being sung somewhere near them.

"They've lost their minds!" Maggie exclaimed. 

"I'll second that!" Sam replied peering at the strange acting people.

It didn't take long for the Fellowship to come to the stairs of the Royal Home and all grunted and groaned as they dismounted. Legolas just fell off the left side of his horse and hiccupped on the ground. 

"Come on Leggy," Maggie said, stiffly moving towards him.

"I'llI'll catch up," he grumbled back before Aragorn suddenly grabbed the cuff of his collar and hoisted him up.

"Come on Legolas, we're going to need your Elf-senses in here," Aragorn told him, ripping off his bright hat as he walked. Legolas just groaned in reply.

"Urgh, the boys are seriously damaged," Frodo announced as he grabbed the crotch of his velvety Hobbit pants and slowly climbed the stairs. 

"Over share, Frodo my man, over share," Aly told him, giving him a pat on the back as she pranced up the stairs behind Gandalf. 

Coming to the great doors of the home they were met by a most unwelcoming party. 

"I cannot allow you before Theoden, King, so armed, Gandalf Greyham," Gamling declared. Glancing around he muttered, "But if you buy season passes, I can let you in I guess."

Gandalf sighed, some of his highness wearing off. "No season passes for us," he said before nodding to those around him. 

Blades, swords, arrows, bows, axes were all heavily unloaded on the awaiting guards. Aly and Maggie sniggered as the weighed-down guards left. 

Gamling looked at Gandalf. "And your staff," he muttered.

Gandalf played the innocent card and gave a tired yet understanding look. "Oh, you wouldn't part an old man from his walking stick, would you?" 

Gamling thought on this a moment. Then shook his head before turning to lead them inside, missing the wink Gandalf gave to Aragorn and the hobbits.

Upon entering the royal hall, the Fellowship witnessed a great change from the outside to the in. No fires burned, no bright colors littered the walls, no singing or dancing. 

"The cadency of your hall has seemed to somewhat lessened of late, Theoden King," Gandalf said loudly.

Aly peered at the men who were glaring at them. She made a face and moved her hands as though she were taking a picture. "Take a picture, it lasts longer!" she whispered to them. Aragorn gave her a nudge with his elbow to make her be quiet.

"Why should Iwelcome youGandalf Stormcrow?" Theoden questioned.

"Late is the hour in which this group chooses to arrive. Be sp-"

"Grima, do we have company??" a shrill voice asked. 

"Mother! I told you to stay in the dung-..Down stairs!" Grima exclaimed as the men around them chuckled. 

"Oh, but we have guests!" the robust woman who could only be described as announced. 

"Urgh! Just kill them!" Grima exclaimed, throwing his hands up in defeat while his mother was ushered away. 

"Burn, Worm man!" Aly suddenly exclaimed, jumping between Gandalf and Grima and spraying her mace in Grima's eyes. Grima promptly squealed like a girl before collapsing to the ground. In that case, Aly was soon tackled out of sight by men in dark suits and sunglasses. 

Chaos quickly ensued in a mass of flying fists, feet, and other body parts as the Fellowship jumped into fighting with Grima's SS men while Gandalf spoke in an ominous voice to Theoden. 

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam exclaimed while Frodo was being spun around over a man's head. Sam was quick to tackle the man, or at least try to but ended up just latching onto his leg and biting. The man, and Frodo, went down. In his victory and to defend his friend, Sam sprang up and jumped giving the man a jack knife fall in the gut with his elbow. 

Maggie, in the mean time, had her hands full. Surrounded by a handful of men she called in tactics. Balancing on one foot and raising her hands she glared and exclaimed, "Whooooohaaa!" The men all looked at each other be pouncing on her. 

"Tell meDo you feel lucky?" Aragorn grumbled to his one on one opponent. The man raised a brow. "Well, do ya – Punk!" Ducking the swing at him, Hot Old Guy gave a knock-out hit before standing over his victim while twirling invisible pistols. 

By this time Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, had his land feet back on him and was using his Elf-fighting-skills to take down as many men as possible with over-acted movements. Pausing a moment he listened with his Elf-ears before throwing his hand up and colliding with a man's face in a very monkey-on-Lion-King move. 

Gimliwas busy laughing at the still squealing Grima as the down-right ugly man declared Aly a witch. 

By the time Merry and Pippin came into the room a pile of hitting, kicking, and spitting men still consumed the place Maggie had been. Apples, bread, sausages and mushrooms went flying as the two realized their sex-buddy was in peril. 

"We're comin' Mags!" Merry exclaimed before throwing himself onto the pile of men. 

Maggie, however, was leaned against a column on the wall as the two dove into the mass. She raised a brow at the two before looking around to find Aly, who was delivering a Bubba-Blow to the man near her. The man, over six feet tall and twice the size of Aly herself, burst into tears.

"My nose is broken!" he cried. "My beautiful face!!"

Aly grimaced before hitting him again; knocking him out before she jumped around in circles and shook her hand. "My hand!! Holy fuck! I've broken my hand!"

Things in the hall soon settled and Gandalf approached Theoden. Raising a weathered hand he said, "I release you!" 

Crickets chipped a few moments as nothing happened and the Fellowship glanced around at each other while Merry and Pippin peered over the pile of men they were among. 

Aly twitched as Theoden began to laugh raspily. Looking at Maggie she nodded and both raced up to the chair he sat in. 

Maggie stopped at the top stair and announced to everyone while pointing at anonymous men. "I need an old priest," she told one, "and a young priest!!" she ordered to the other.

Aly, in the same moment, pounced into the chair with Theoden and shook his shoulders. "The power of Christ compels you! The Power of CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" she declared. 

"The fuck?" Theoden asked as she stopped shaking him. "Who the hell are you?" Saruman's voice asked. 

"Erm.." Aly muttered. 

Theoden's eyes suddenly got wide as Maggie jumped into the chair as well. "Fallers of the Sky!!" he exclaimed. 

"Ah, you know of us then," Maggie nodded with a grin. 

"But-butHoly shit!" 'Theoden' exclaimed before standing so quickly that Aly and Maggie toppled off of him and tumbled down the stairs. 

Gandalf suddenly grumbled before dropping off his gray cloak, the bright whiteness of his aura blinding Theoden. The Fellowship, however, ducked their heads in case of reoccurrence from Fangorn Forest. 

"I will draw you, Saruman, like venom is drawn from a wound!" he announced, waving about his staff. 

Out of the corner of her eye, Aly caught sight of a particular person who rushed forward. Glancing to Aragorn who helped her up, she stuck her foot out and the White Lady of Rohan took a tumble. 

"Oops!" Aly exclaimed. "Leg spasms," she added as Eowyn floundered to see through her hair. 

Suddenly, Theoden groaned and leaned forward. No one bothered to move to catch him and he collapsed onto the ground and wriggled around a bit before popping back up with a new and younger looking face. 

"Now that is a TLC Make-over," Sam announced. Everyone looked at him and he said meekly, "He said sarcastically, showing his manliness." 

Theoden looked around a moment before looking at Gandalf.

"Gandalf?" he questioned while Eowyn staggered to a stand and tried to make herself seem presentable. 

"Breathe the free air again, my friend," Gandalf told him.

Theoden frowned and looked at Eowyn who gave a reassuring smile. "Dark have been my dreams of late."

"Must've had some fucked up dreams," Merry muttered as he peeled himself from the grasp of a shock frozen man.

"You're damning right," Legolas replied.

"Oh! You almost had it, Leggy!" Maggie told him, raising on tiptoes to pat his head. "Damn or fucking – not a mix of the two," she told him. 

Theoden tested out his limbs and Gandalf said, "Your fingers would better remember their strength if, perhaps, they grasped your sword."

"Do we really want to be giving this guy a sword right now?" Maggie whispered to Aly. Aly shook her head in uncertainty. 

However, Theoden received his sword and he looked like a child just given a piece of candy. 

Suddenly he got a fierce look on his face and a glare was shot Grima's way. 

"You know you in some shit now, Grimizzle!" Gamling announced, pointing at Grima. 

Frodo grimaced as Grima was tossed down the stairs roughly. The whole court followed while Theoden stumbled after him, sword in hand. 

"Definitely shouldn't have given him the sword," Aly mentioned to Maggie. 

"Nah, he needs to kill him otherwise Grima tells Saruman were we're going to go," Maggie replied.

"Go?" Aly asked while Grima backed down the stairs. Maggie gave her a look before recognition seized Aly's expression after so many, many days had passed since they arrived in Middle Earth. "Oh shit!" she exclaimed as Theoden raised his sword over Grima but Aragorn jumped into the situation. 

Grima quickly scrambled up and ran from the detained King of Rohan by the to-be-King of Gondor. 

"Shit!" Aly hissed. "We should have killed him!" 

Maggie was busy glaring at Eowyn who was standing next to Legolas. "Huh? Yeah, yeah," she muttered before tip-toeing towards the two. 

"Right, wellMaybe we'll just convince Theoden not to go to Helm's Deep," Aly mentioned to herself. "Good idea."

"Aly, are you talking to yourself?" Frodo asked quietly.

Aly just cleared her throat.

Theoden suddenly said, "Where is Theodred? Where is my son?" 

"Last we saw him, he was kickin' it in Gondor with some skuzzy hoes," Gamling replied. Theoden sighed heavily before stalking up the stairs muttering things about "Damn kids" and "What is the world left to?"

"WellWho's hungry?" Merry asked loudly. 

** An hour or two later:**

"We're losin' our stompin' grounds, Sire," Gamling added to the debate.

"They had no warning – they were unarmed! Now the Wildmen are spreading through the westfold, burning as they go," Eowyn said.

The two children who had been rescued from atop their horse were eating hungrily. The boy caught Pippin looking at his food and he growl. Pippin twitched before looking away. 

"This is just a taste of what Saruman will unleash," Gandalf told the King.

Maggie glanced at Aly as they both felt the doom that was layering on the people around them. Of course, at the moment, Borry, who had a nice shiner on his forehead, was peering at the armor plated figure against the wall. Poking its sword he screamed as it wobbled before crashing down loudly. Maggie, Aly, and the hobbits sniggered but everyone else glared.

"Ride out and meet them head on," Gandalf told Theoden. 

"You have two thousand men riding north as we speak. Eomer is loyal to you, his men will return and fight for their king," Aragorn told Theoden.

"Yeah, as long as they're not drunk," Legolas muttered, still sore with the horse men from their initial encounter. 

"Eomer will be three hundred leagues from here by now!" Theoden exclaimed. He sighed and added, "Eomer cannot help us."

"I know what it is you want of me," Theoden said, "but I will not bring further death to my people. I will not risk open war."

"Oh my God, you're a dumbass!" Aly suddenly exclaimed, unable to hold it in any longer. "What do you think is happening? You got yourself a war; you just have to fight it."

"What would a little girl like you know about war?" Theoden questioned glaring at her.

"Apparently more than the pansy ass girl I'm looking at right now," she retorted. 

Merry, Pippin, Sam and Frodo began to beat on the table chanting, "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" in unison. 

"Aly, be quiet!" Aragorn ordered.

"You know she's right!" Maggie jumped into the confrontation. She looked at Theoden and said, "You run and it will be blood on your hands, and yours alone!"

"Get these two out of there!" Theoden ordered. 

Maggie and Aly were quickly swarmed on by men, once again, in dark suits and sunglasses, before they were dragged out.

"Hey!" Frodo exclaimed. "The hell is wrong with you?"

"No teenage girls are telling me what to do with my country! I am a man! I am a King! I have an ego the size of Mordor!" Theoden glanced around at the last comment. "Did I..Did I say that out loud?" he muttered, blushing. Borry growled and Theoden backed up.

"What is the manly King-with-an-ego's decision then?" Gandalf asked.

** Later**:

"His Kingliness has ordered that the city be evacuated and we haul ass to Helm's Deep!" Gamling announced while the Fellowship fought to get through the crowd of people. 

"Helm's Deep my ass!" Maggie ground out. "He's gonna get us all killed!" 

"Even us hobbits think it's right to fight – and we're peaceful people!" Sam added in as the group filtered into the stables. 

"He's doing what he thinks is best," Aragorn replied.

"Right, and when 10,000 Uruk-Hai come a-knocking, where's Frodo going to go? Have we all forgotten he still has the Ring?" Aly snapped back.

"Oh, yeah!" Pippin exclaimed, chuckling slightly. Everyone looked at him and he shrank back slightly.

"They're right, despite my will to disagree with them," Gandalf announced as they came to the stall Shadowfax was in. "There's no way out of Helm's Deep."

Legolas tilted his head slightly as he thought he heard something. Turning, he found nothing but an empty stall and shadow. Odd, he thought. His Elf-ears had never failed him in the past. Stress, it was stress.

Gandalf mounted Shadowfax and said, "On dawn of the fifth day, look to the East."

"Can you make it the forth day? The fifth isn't really working with me," Maggie mentioned. Gandalf glared at her before letting Shadowfax race out of the stables.

"Great..Fabulous," Gimli muttered. "Now we're left with the two Elf Witches, four hobbits, a girly Elf, a dingy man and a gollumy man, and a handsome dwarf."

Upon receiving foul glares from the nine he named he gave a meek smile and a little wave. 

"Ssssstupid, FAT dwarf!" Borry hissed. 

"Come, we must ready with the others to travel to Helm's Deep," Aragorn told the group. 

"There he goes being all Captain Kurt again.." Legolas grumbled as the Fellowship followed. 

Maggie and Aly gave each other a glance.

"What's our chance of dying?" Aly asked.

"Bout 97% chance, however the five day forecast is still dotted with at least a 40% chance," Maggie replied.

Aly thought a moment then huffed a sigh out with a smile. "Great," she bit.

Maggie gave her a reassuring smile before they linked arms and marched onward once again.


	8. Chapter Eight

The girls worked swiftly alongside the rest of the Fellowship and every able body in Rohan preparing for the great pilgrimage to Helm's Deep. Maggie, Legolas, and the Hobbits helped the women and children saddle and load all the horses, while Aly, Aragorn, and Gimli went house to house gathering everything that could be considered a weapon. 

"How 'bout this?" Aly said holding up a set of knitting needles.

Aragorn gave her a swift nod and she chunked the needles into a large box.

Gimli, who had been rummaging through a closet, came across a stack of "Naughty Dwarf" magazines, and was leafing through them, an amused grin slipping across his face.

"Gimli, did you find any-- Aw, cripes!" Aly caught a glimpse of two female Dwarves in corsets and garter belts and shielded her eyes before the image could be permanently imprinted into her brain. "Put those away! You little pervert!"

"Ack!" Gimli said, his face turning red, and he tossed the magazine aside.

"Stop it this instant you two!" Aragorn said, lifting the box. 

"He was the one who wasn't--" Aly started.

"That little Elf witch needs to mind her own--" Gimli grunted.

Aragorn let out a low groan, closed his eyes briefly, and continued in a low voice. "If you two don't stop your bickering right now, I will turn us right around and take us right back to Rivendell. Don't you think I won't!" With that, he stormed out of the hut and into the village square.

"Look, lady, I realize that this tea set is a family heirloom passed down to you from your grandmother, but if it doesn't serve a functional purpose, you'll have to leave it behind!" Frodo screeched to an old woman.

"No, you can't take the entire box set of "Monty Python" with you!" Maggie, not far away from Frodo, was chunking things off the back of one family's horse. "The 19 inch big screen is gonna have to stay too. And the DVD player, and the-- is this a bathing suit?"

"We're not going on holiday here, people!" Merry yelled. "The only thing you need to take is food and clothing!"

Maggie finally waved the horse through the checkpoint, then wiped sweat off her face with the back of her hand. She glanced over at Legolas. He smiled, then walked over and placed both hands on her shoulders. "How are you, faller of the sky?"

"Not so good, my pointy-eared love muffin," she dropped to the ground and crossed her legs Indian-style. 

Legolas crouched down beside her. "Whatever seems to be the matter?"

Maggie began to count off things on her fingers. "Well, we haven't even been to see Saruman, we're not even sure if the Ents are going to seize Isengard like they're supposed to, the Ring's not any closer to Mordor than it was a week ago, Orcs are running rampant, Eomer and his band of merry men are off getting trashed somewhere," Maggie's voice got more and more shrill as she went along, "Theoden's leading his people into a trap, Sauron's gathering troops like a madman, I'm sure he knows where the Ring is by now because we've all made such a fuckin' mess out of this thing--" Frodo and Pippin had wandered over and were staring down at Maggie, their eyes wide with concern-- "Mom's probably having a damn duck wondering where me and Aly are, I've got a sore on the back of my heel that's festering quite nicely, and the entire fate of Middle-Earth is resting in my hands, and I'm--I'm--I'm," her breathing became quick and shallow, "having a panic attack. Leggy, get me a paper bag! I need a bag!"

"Maggie?!" Legolas panicked.

Frodo and Pippin began flapping their arms wildly around Maggie's face. "Give her air, give her air!" Frodo said. "Legolas! Go get Aly! She'll know what to do!"

Legolas ran around in a circle madly for a few seconds before his Elf-sense rushed back to him. Racking a hand through his silky Elf-hair, he spun around and dashed to the side where he could hear Aly yelling at Gimli.

Racing up to the red-haired Faller of the Sky, he said, "Aly! Maggie is falling down into a deep pit of depression!" 

Aly turned at the shrill voice and frowned. "What?" 

"No time! She's spiraling into darkness!" Legolas cried, snatching Aly's wrist and racing back to Maggie who was currently breathing into a brown paper bag. 

Aly, seeing her distressed friend, rushed to her. "Maggie, what's wrong?! You haven't lost any limbs or other extremities, did you?!" She quickly dashed atop her friend boring a stare into her eyes. 

Maggie took a moment to rip the bag away from her face. "We're going to DIE!" she cried. "We've fucked up Middle Earth while we're at it! The Ring, the Ents - Everything!!!" 

Aly, in a moment of terror, reared back and slapped her friend across her face. "Come back to me, Maggie! Pull yourself together!" 

Maggie stared at her a moment, and Legolas, the hobbits, and the assortment of Rohanians around them held their breath. She glanced from side to side, her breathing scarce before she shot to a stand, toppling Aly off of her. 

"What was I thinking?!" she declared. Her hands shot to her hips and she beamed in the passing wind that tousled her fluffy blonde hair. "I am a Faller of the Sky! I can fix things; right?" She looked at Aly and helped her up quickly. 

"Right!" Aly proclaimed. Frodo, Merry, and Pippin rounded into a chorus of clapping and cheering while Legolas brushed a hand under his beautiful eyes. 

"That's it! Just because Theoden misplaced his balls, doesn't mean we're gonna let him get a whole shit-load of people killed!" Maggie said, swirling around and looking for the King of Rohan. "We must stop this madness!"

At this point, the thundering of a horse galloped up to them. "What is going on here?!" Theoden's voice boomed. 

"Erm.." Maggie said, peering up at the man. Legolas gave her a nudge with his elbow to speak, but she said nothing. 

"The Fallers of the Sky say you've misplaced your balls!" shouted Pippin. All eyes fell on him quickly and he glanced around. "Did I say something wrong??" he asked. 

"Shut up - all of you!" Theoden ordered and suddenly Aragorn rode his horse to Theoden's side. "Aragorn, these girls are causing problems again."

"Tattler!" Frodo shouted. 

"Frodo, be quiet!" Aragorn demanded. Frodo went wide-eyed and shifted closer to Aly. "Girls, I won't have you causing so many problems here. This is serious now - no more screwing around! You're going to have to grow up to ride with the people of Rohan, or you're going to start a riot!" 

Legolas frowned formally at his friend. "Aragorn, these people are in danger, the girls can-"

"We're all in danger! Get used to it and be quiet the rest of the ride!" he ordered, glaring at Aly and Maggie along with the hobbits before riding off with Theoden.

Aly looked at Maggie. "What in the HELL was that?" 

"He's trying to impress Theoden," Maggie supplied.

"I'd say he just threw a class-A tantrum," said Frodo. Aly patted his head before Gamling, drunk as a pig, rode by with his arms frailing about. 

"Time to go! Time to go!" He belched in the middle of his declaration. The gathered people of the Fellowship glanced amongst themselves before separating to find horses.

Maggie and Frodo ended up sharing a horse, while Sam and Aly rode together. Merry and Pippin refused to ride with anyone but each other, and poor Gimli was stuck with Legolas again.

"All right, Leggy honey, let's go over this again," Maggie said guiding her horse near Legolas's. "These--" she held up the reins-- "are reins. We use them sort of as a steering wheel."

"A what?" Legolas said. His horse began moving forward, and he let out a shriek. "It's moving! Is it supposed to do that?"

Frodo rolled his eyes. "Sorry, Dwarf," he said to Gimli, "you're on your own." 

Maggie and Frodo quickly caught up with Sam and Aly. "This is going to be one hell of a boring ride," Maggie said, slumping forward.

"Do you mind if I put my hands right here?" Frodo asked Maggie as her wrapped his arms around her and placed his hands on her boobs.

"Yes I-- no, not really," she shrugged.

"Oh, hey, let's play license plate bingo!" Aly suggested.

Maggie narrowed her eyes. "Aly, do you see any license plates around here?"

Aly frowned. "Oh. Guess not. Let's play white horse, brown horse then."

Maggie looked around for a moment. "Mine's brown. I win."

Everyone rode in silence for a while, the sounds of galloping hooves and Legolas retching into his vom bag being the only sounds. Aly tried to talk to Maggie and Frodo, but neither were in a talking mood, Sam was asleep, Aragorn was PMS-ing, Gandalf's robes kept flying up, (and he was still going Commando) and Boromir was riding in the back of a wagon singing the Smurfs theme song over and over.

"La, la, la, la, la, la, sing a happy song!" he belted out. "La, la, la, la, la, la, Smurf the whole day long!"

Aly sighed and rode toward Gamling. "Hey, pssst!" She said to him. 

Gamling swiveled his head lazily to look at her, still drunk as a skunk. "Hey, did you just hear something?"

"Yes, it was the sound of me losing my mind!" Aly screeched at him. "Listen, holmes, I've been watching you, and I know you've got the booze. Everyone here is in an I-might-as-well-go-eat-shit-and-die mood, and I've decided that we're throwing a kegger tonight. You supply the beverages, and I'll supply the fun. We got ourselves a deal, buddy?"

"I got a karaoke machine," Gamling hiccupped.

"Really?" Aly said, raising an eyebrow.

Gamling nodded stupidly. 

"Interesting. . ."

Four hours later:

"Everyone!" Aly said, standing up in the back of a wagon and banging on Sam's copper pot. "May I have your attention please?"

The entire company had stopped to set up camp for the night. The women of Rhoan had made the most disgusting stew for the weary travelers, but the men of Rohan consumed it anyway, tight fake smiles spreading across their lips. Luckily, Sam had whipped up a delicious roast for the Fellowship to eat. Now, with supper over, everyone had returned to their glum states.

"I'd like to make an announcement people!" Aly said, and she looked around, finally deciding she had everyone's attention. "Friends, Rohanians, countrymen, lend me your ears. For tonight is not a night for solemn reflection. Oh, no. Tonight we celebrate the victory that will come to us in the next few days. Tonight, we band together in a strength that will, no doubt, conquer Sauron's evil army. Tonight, we accept all races, and fight alongside our Elven, Dwarf, Hobbit, and Men brothers and sisters. Tonight is a night that will live long in our memories. Tonight, is our independence night!"

Crickets chirped. Legolas cleared his throat. Aly, slightly embarrassed, looked at Maggie for help.

Maggie quickly jumped into the back of the wagon. "What she means is, it is time to put our prejudices aside, and partake in something that all of us are fond of, getting drunk!"

Cheers burst out from the crowd.

Gamling appeared from behind a wagon rolling two kegs. "We're kegging a haver! We're kegging a haver!" he said gleefully. Then he stopped. "Wait a minute. We're kegging a ha. . .that's not right."

"Excuse me, Miss Maggie, Miss Aly," a female voice said as Maggie and Aly began pumping the kegs.

Aly stopped pumping and looked at the person attached to the voice. "Ah, Eowyn. What can I do for?"

Eowyn sat down on the edge of the keg. "Well, back in Rohan, I well-known as a pretty good party planner. I could perhaps help you set up all of the activities you have planned."

"Sure, whatever," Aly said coolly. "As long as you refrain from sticking your ass in Hot Old Guy's face like some damn cat in heat--"

"Aly!" Maggie nudged her friend in the ribs.

"Sorry," Aly said quickly. "Yeah, you can help."

Eowyn had been speaking the truth. Within the next thirty minutes, all of the children had been put to bed over in the far corner of their campgrounds, a few old women watching over them. She had set up the karaoke machine, several ladies of Rohan and Frodo were engaged in a game of Twister, the middle-aged women were enjoying a rousing game of Bingo, and the senior citizens were playing shuffleboard.

"Hey, Leggy," Maggie said as she sat down next to the Elf, who was sitting on the fringe of the crowd watching everyone with a smile on his face. "Having fun?"

"Lots of fun," he said as he watched her down half the beer in the plastic cup she was holding. 

"Well, that's good," Maggie said, downing the rest of her beer. "Woo! That's my third one. How many have you had?"

Legolas shook his head. "Elves do not ingest substances that cloud our senses."

Maggie's eyes bugged out. She looked over at the kegs and spotted Aly over there, refilling her glass. "Aly! Bring a beer for Leggy!"

"Oh, I could not--" he began.

"Shut your Elf mouth," Maggie said as Aly bopped over with two red plastic cups in her hand. "According to Aly, tonight is a night for celebrating. So, that cup better be empty within the next five minutes."

Before Legolas could dispute, Aly thrust a cup into his hand. She giggled at him. "C'mon, Elf-man. Live a little."

Legolas took in a deep breath, and put the cup to his lips.

***

"Gandalf!" Maggie yelled as she looked up at the makeshift karaoke stage, which was really the back of a wagon. "That is uncalled for. We're supposed to be celebrating, not committing indecent exposure!" She yelled to him as his robe slipped dangerously around his shoulders as he belted out "You Can Leave Your Hat On."

Maggie, Aly, Frodo, Pippin, Gimli, and Legolas were playing some sort of drinking game. Maggie and Pippin were on a team, Frodo and Aly had teamed up, and Gimli had agreed to play with Legolas. Right now, the Elf and Dwarf were in the lead.  
"Oh my God! I love this Dwarf!" Legolas said as he wrapped his arms around Gimli and squeezed him fiercely, lifting Gimli out of his seat.

"Lad, put me down right this instant!" Gimli grumbled before a smile broke across his face. "Aw, laddie, if I was going to be friends with an Elf, I'd pick you!"

"All right, all right," Frodo said. "Whose turn?"

"Ours!" Maggie and Pippin yelled.

Aly gazed deep into the bottom of her plastic cup. "It seems all the beer had been drained out of my cup. Who needs a refill?"

Everyone raised a hand. Maggie and Pippin raised both hands.

"All righty then!" Aly said, scooping up all the empty cups. "I shall return!" Then she let out a Xena call. "I am Aly. . .The Beer Queen!"

By now, the karaoke stage was rocking. All of the songs on the karaoke machine had long been sung, so Eowyn had managed to locate an old Casio keyboard, and she was currently banging out song after song.

"Don't stop believin'! Street lights, people, oh uh-OHHHHHHHHH!" Aragorn brought the microphone down away from his lips and bowed slightly, welcoming the loud cheers he was receiving. 

He handed the microphone to Eowyn and stepped off the stage, headed for the kegs. "That was beautiful, Aragorn. All right, who would like to go next? C'mon, I can see it in some of your faces. Don't be shy, we're all friends here."

Gimli clamped a rough hand on Legolas's shoulder. "What do you say, Elf?"

Legolas immediately became shy. "Oh, I do not like to sing. It's not my forte."

Gimli rolled his eyes. "I'll sing lead. You just back me up."

Legolas took a deep breath, then turned to the others at the table. "Excuse us for a moment."

The Elf and Dwarf climbed up onto the karaoke stage and Gimli grabbed the microphone. He whispered something to Eowyn, and she nodded, taking her seat in front of the keyboard. "Brace yourself, friends," he said. "For you're about to see how Dwarves really kick it."

Eowyn began hammering out a fast tune. Aly had returned from the keg, juggling all the now-full beer cups in her arms. She distributed them around the table, and then noticed that Legolas and Gimli were missing. "Hey, where's. . ." her eyes flew to the karaoke stage. ". . .the hell?"

"_You know your love_!" Gimli sang

"_Your love keeps lifting me!_" Legolas chimed in in a falsetto voice.

"_Keeps on lifting me--"_

"_Love keeps lifting me--"_

"_HIGHER_!"

"_Lifting me--"_

"_Higher and higher! I said your love!"_

"Oh my holy Jesus!" Aly said bursting into the giggles. "That's the funniest thing I've ever seen!"

Legolas be-bopped around the stage, and busted out into the Running Man before throwing in the Cabbage Patch for good measure. He grabbed the microphone from Gimli and turned to the audience. "_I'm so glad, I finally you, yes that one, in a million Dwarf!" _He pointed to Gimli. "_And now with, my lovin' arms around you, I can stand up, and face the world!"_

"Go Leggy!" Maggie yelled. Frodo stuck his fingers to her lips and let out a loud whistle as the song faded out.

"Thank you very much!" Legolas said. Eowyn reached for the microphone, but Legolas pulled it away. "Hold on, I wanna ser sumfin. This Dwarf--" he put his hand on Gimli's shoulder-- "is the coolest guy I've everrr hung out wif. And now, I'd like ta sang a lil' ditty in his honor." He whispered something to Eowyn and she began playing the Golden Girls theme.

"_Thank you for bein' a friend. Traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant_." Legolas bumped his hips along with the music. "_And if you threw a party! Invited everyone you knew. You would see, the biggest gift would be from me. And the card attached would say. . . Thank you for bein' a friend._"

The cheers from the crowd were deafening. Sam wiped a couple tears from his cheeks. Merry shot him a look. "I'm sorry. That's just the sweetest thing I've ever heard."

"Oh, Sam," Merry said, throwing an arm around the Hobbit's shoulders. "You're such a sap."

Theoden took to the stage, waving and smiling at everyone. "Well, I must say that this is the best party I've ever been to. Let's have a round of applause for the Fallers of the Sky, and my daughter!" Everyone clapped. "But, all good ends must come to a thing, and that thing is now. Um. . .yeah. So, everyone to your tent! We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow."

Everyone began to rise and make their ways slowly to the tents, still laughing and giggling. Maggie, Frodo, Pippin, and Aly searched through the tents for an empty one, and found Aragorn, passed out by himself snoring slightly. 

"I have waited for this moment my entire life," Aly said as the four of them crawled into the tent. "Too bad I'm so drunk that I won't remember it in the morning." And with that, she snuggled in next to Aragorn, who threw an arm across her and murmured something in his sleep. Pippin snuggled up next to Aly, and Maggie laid down on the other side of Legolas, Frodo right behind her.

"Do you mind if I put my hands right here?" Frodo slurred as he plopped his hands on Maggie's boobs.

"Yes I-- no, not really," she said. And with that, she was asleep.


	9. Chapter Nine

"Oh my God! My head hurts like wouldn't believe!" Aragorn sat up slowly and put one rough, dirty hand to his temple. "We've got to get moving, I've got to find some Aspirin, and. . .there's a hand in my pants." Aragorn looked down and saw an arm sticking out the front of his Ranger trousers. He poked it gingerly with one finger, and the person attached to the arm murmured lightly.

"Frodo Baggins!" Aragorn yelled, pulling the tiny Hobbit hand out of his pants.

"Wha-huh?" Frodo sat up quickly, and his big blue eyes rested upon Aragorn's angry face. "What the hell, dude?"

"You were molesting me!" Aragorn pounced onto Frodo.

"I was not! My hand was cold!" Frodo insisted.

Maggie jumped awake as the two rolled across her and Pippin. She lifted her head swiftly and felt a wave of nausea swim over her. "Oh, damn. Not a good idea to move so quickly after a night of heavy drinking." She placed her head back down gingerly.

Pippin groaned in pain, nursing his own hangover as Aly's eyelids split apart. "Oh holy night! I feel like Gimli sunk his axe into my left brain lobe."

The entrance of the tent flew open and Theoden stuck his head in. "Master Aragorn. . .and company," he spoke slowly and quietly, the large circles under his eyes quite prominent. "Almost everyone is awake. We'll be moving on shortly." Theoden sighed and moved on toward the next tent.

Aragorn rolled off of Frodo and let out a grunt. "I can't go anywhere today. I feel sick!" He snatched a blanket up over his head.

Maggie sighed. "Come on, King-to-be. We've got to get to Helm's Deep."

"I don't wanna!" Aragorn whined.

Pippin tried to peel the blanket away from Aragorn's face, but he quickly snatched it back. "Aragorn, we all feel bad, but we just have to suck it up and keep on rollin'."

"I don't have march today!" Aragorn said. "I have a note."

Aly rolled her eyes. "This isn't sixth grade gym class, Hot Old Guy. Your notes are worth nothing here." Aly tore the blanket from Aragorn's grip and dashed out of the tent before he could stop her. She poked her head back in. "Come on! Put a little hustle in your step!"

Maggie saw that all of the travelers were moving slowly and limply as she and the others emerged from the tent. She spotted Sam, Merry, and Gimli loading bags onto the back of Milton and Gertie and trudged over toward them.

"Begging your pardon, young lass, but you don't look so great," Gimli harrumphed as he tossed a pack onto Milton.

"No offense taken, Burly Dwarf," Maggie said, grabbing onto Gertie's reins. "How come you're so chipper this morning?"

Gimli puffed out his chest. "We Dwarves can hold our liquor!" Maggie raised an eyebrow at him, and he sighed. "Sam gave me some homemade hangover remedy. It works wonders."

Sam handed Maggie a teaspoon, then opened a large bottle. He poured a thick, greenish-yellow liquid that had bits of foliage floating in it onto the spoon. "Down it quickly, Miss Maggie. I know it tastes vile, but I promise that it works."

"Looks like puss," Maggie said as she stuck the spoon in her mouth. She down the liquid, then made a horrible gagging noise. "Tastes like puss, too."

Sam gave her a half smile. "Come on. I was just on my way over to give Legolas some."

Legolas was standing near the edge of the camp site. He had acquired a small round mirror from somewhere and was frantically running a hand through his long and, for once, tangled locks. His clothes were rumpled, his face much paler than usual, and the dark spots under his eyes looked like two bottomless canyons. 

Out of the corner of his Elf eye, he saw Maggie approaching and threw his hands over his face. "Maggie, go away! I don't want you to see me like this. I look like a big pile of damn!"

"A big pile of 'shit,'" Sam said.

Legolas dropped his hands to his side and let out an angry sigh. "Oh thanks, Sam, tell me what you really think of me!"

"Oh, no, Legolas, I didn't mean that. I was just correcting you--" Sam said.

"No!" Legolas said, walking the other way. "Too late! I know the truth now!"

Maggie patted Sam on the back. "Don't worry about him. The next time he feel's a puke attack coming on, he'll be singing you and your hangover remedy's praises."

Sam smiled glumly, then went off to feed his special medicine to his fellow Hobbits. Maggie wandered back toward the ass and mule and ran straight into Eowyn, knocking the shield maiden to the ground.

"I'm sorry!" Eowyn said as she struggled to pull her billowing white dress back down.

Maggie opened her mouth to yell at Eowyn, but she extended her hand to her instead. "That's all right. It was my fault anyway. Besides, we women have to stick together."

Eowyn smiled softly at Maggie, then threw her slender arms around Maggie's neck. "Oh, bless you, Faller of the Sky! I was so worried that you and your friend didn't like me. I didn't really have too many friends growing up in Rohan, female friends that is, and sometimes you really need a womanly ear to tell all of your problems--"

"Whoa, whoa whoa!" Maggie said, unwinding Eowyn's arms from around her. "I didn't say that we were bosom buddies. I'm not inviting you to my sleepovers so we can giggle about boys and paint each other's toenails, you get me?"

Eowyn bowed her head a bit in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I misunderstood."

Eowyn's humbleness immediately made Maggie feel sympathy for the shield maiden again. "Look, consider us fond acquaintances. We'll work on the friends thing later." Eowyn beamed at her. She turned to walk away, throwing a smile over her shoulder, as Aly walked up to her friend.

"What's her problem?" Aly asked.

Maggie just shook her head. "She's a sad, sad individual."

Aly raised an eyebrow. "Uh, right. Now, come on. Frodo and Sam are waiting on us."

The Rohanians and the Fellowship straggled down the worn and beaten path toward Helm's Deep. Theoden, Aragorn, and Gamling lead the travelers, their aching heads hung low, their horses meandering slowly. The Hobbits and Maggie and Aly were near the middle, Gimli and Legolas up ahead of them about thirty yards. Boromir was tucked away in a wagon somewhere, asleep and sucking on his thumb.

"Legolas!" Aragorn's voice cried out.

The Elf lifted his eyes slowly. "Yes, my lord?"

"You and Gimli scout up ahead!"

Legolas sighed, and Gimli let out a gruff harrumph. Their horse picked up speed, passing by all the other horses, trying to get to the head of the line. Maggie and Aly watched as Legolas suddenly pulled the horse to a screeching halt. 

"Ack! What's the meaning of this?!" Gimli wanted to know.

"We've got to pull over! We've got to pull over!" Legolas was frantically trying to steer his horse away from the band of travelers and off to the side, his face turning a light shade of green. 

"Leggy!" Maggie cried, pushing her horse into a gallop, Frodo bouncing up and down behind her. 

Legolas rolled off his steed near a sparse pile of bushes. He leaned forward, resting his sweating hands on his knees. "Got. . .to. . .vom. . ."

Maggie quickly jumped off her horse just as Aly and Sam rode up. She patted Legolas gingerly on the back. "There, there, darling. Go ahead. Get it all out. Out with the bad, in with the good."

Legolas lost his lunch in the bushes.

"Here, Legolas, take some of this," Sam said, offering the Elf a spoon. Legolas, too weak to dispute, downed two big spoonfuls of Sam's hangover remedy. After swallowing the last bit, Legolas scrunched up his face and promptly burst into tears. 

"What's wrong, honey?" Maggie said, bending down over him.

"This is not supposed to happen to me! I'm an Elf! We are graceful, we are poised, we do not throw up in bushes! We just don't! Damn it all to hell!"

Maggie gasped. "Leggy, you did it! You cursed correctly."

"'Bout time," Frodo muttered, folding his arms across his chest.

Legolas stopped crying and managed a half smile. "I did?"

"Yeah!" Maggie scooped the Elf into a hug. 

Theoden's voice rang out from far away. "A scout!"

The Elf immediately jumped to his feet and gazed all around, his eyes blazing with fury. "That was my line, damn it!" He swiftly mounted his horse and took off, riding toward the front of the troupe. Orcs on Wargs were slowly infiltrating over the hillside. 

Frodo unsheathed his Hobbit sword while Sam grabbed his pot. "Are you ready girls?"

Maggie and Aly both took their own swords in their hands. "Ready."

As the girls and Hobbits galloped toward the fight, they saw that the women and men of Rohan were taking a beating. Most of them were still badly hung over, and everyone was finding it difficult to wield their weapons. Boromir seemed to be the only successful one as he leapt onto the backs of Orcs and sank his teeth into their necks.

Theoden turned to Eowyn. "You must lead the people to Helm's Deep."

"I can fight!"

"Go!" Theoden roared.

Eowyn let out an angry sigh, then turned toward the villagers, mumbling to herself. "Stupid male chauvinistic bastard!" She cleared her throat, then mounted her horse. "Follow me! Theoden has told us to make for Helm's Deep!"

Maggie and Aly galloped past Pippin and Merry, who were off to the side, their horse slowly walking backwards. "Aly!" Pippin cried. "Help us! Our horse is stuck in reverse!"

"I can't right now," she cried as they rode past. "Just sit tight. I'll be back!"

"LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK!" Boromir hissed to an Orc as he kicked him swiftly in the shin. The Orc fell over and Boromir began jumping up and down on his chest. 

Legolas and Gimli had dismounted their horse and were trying their best to kill as many enemies as possible. Gimli's axe seemed far too heavy for him to wield around correctly, and Legolas's aim was way off, his face turning that ugly shade of green again.

"Frodo, Sam," Aly said as they all climbed off their horses. "I want you to help out the Dwarf and that poor Elf. Mags and I have got to go save Hot Old Guy."   
Frodo and Sam nodded, then went tearing off across the battlefield, letting out Xena cries and swinging their weapons above their heads. Maggie turned to Aly and pointed across the way. "Look! There he is!"

Aly followed Maggie's gaze, and her eyes eventually fell upon Aragorn. He had lost his weapon and was now cowering in the fetal position, two Orcs and three Wargs surrounding him. "Please don't eat me! Eat a Hobbit! They taste better!"

The girls crept up behind the two Orcs and raised their swords in the air. Aragorn spotted them and started to cry out, but Aly signaled for him to keep quiet. Before the two Orcs could turn around, Maggie and Aly both sliced their weapons into their backs, sending a black squirt of Orc blood soaring through the air.

Maggie wiped away some of the blood that had gotten on her hand. "This is such a messy job."

Aly nodded. "But someone's gotta do it." They both looked down at the spot where Aragorn had been. He was gone. "Hot Old Guy?"

Maggie turned around just in time to see that one of the Wargs and picked up Aragorn and was carrying him off toward the edge of a cliff. "Oh, shit!" Maggie and Aly dropped their swords and took off sprinting after the Warg. They were gaining on the beast, now only a couple yards behind it. But, it beat them to the cliff, and it pummeled over the side, taking Aragorn with it.

Maggie and Aly lunged toward the edge, sliding over to it, a cloud of dust rising in the air. The both reached frantically over the cliff's edge for Aragorn. Maggie managed to grab onto his forearm. Aly grabbed his shoulder. "Gotcha!" they both cried.

"I. . .I. . .I think I just pulled a Pippin! Yep, I pissed myself," Aragorn said, tears of happiness streaming down his face.

Aly and Maggie pulled Aragorn back onto the solid ground. He scooped them up into a hug forceful hug and began to cry even harder. "Oh, I love both of you! So much! You've saved my life. Is there anything I can do for you!"

"You can let go, so I can breathe!" Aly squeezed out.

Aragorn dropped his death grip. "Oh, sorry!" He stood up, a huge grin spreading across his face. He pushed away the tears, then helped their girls to their feet. "Come on," he said, "Let's go finish kicking ass."

Aly blushed. "I love it when he takes charge! It's so sexy!"

The three of them took off back toward the battlefield.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Holy Jesus and Lucy**, people - We are so sorry it's not even funny. We're pathetic really. As story people, we bow down to you! Girls bow Take our most severe of apologies! Please!  
  
Making you guys wait this long was really not a good note. We're sorry about that. Here's hoping that someone's still around! This story is finished and chapter eleven, the final chapter, will be up by Sunday night. Yee!  
  
Then, on to RotK. Yes, it probably will take us several centuries to finish that as well. At least we got Elves that last that long.  
  
Maggie: Right Leggy?  
  
All right, onto the chapter! Hope you guys enjoy! Please forgive us!! Continue to bow  
  
Looks Who's Got the Ring Now! - Chapter Ten  
  
Wind-blown, traumatized, and a bit stressed, the last of Rohan's riders entered the huge gates that opened in their path. The injured moaned and groaned and with the wave of smell that came from the gates, Aly and Maggie did as well.  
"Holy Shit!" Aly cried, her hand flying to her nose and pinching it tightly.  
"Omigod..." Maggie said, sway forward on her horse. "I'm going to projectile vomit in about three seconds."  
"Hold it! Hold it!" Sam announced, bounding off his steed as they came to the second level. He rushed to Maggie and pulled her off her horse putting a pot in front of her.  
"Sam! That just makes it worse!"  
Aly, dismounting unsteadily, spotted Merry and Pippin. Still holding her breath, she snatched the back of their cloaks.  
"Where'd you get those?!" she demanded.  
Merry and Pippin turned to show that they both had clothes pins on their noses.  
"Sam keeps them in his handy-dandy home-made kit," Merry said in a strangely off-balance voice.  
"SAM!" Aly cried before shrieking as someone's hand clamped on her shoulder.  
"Come, Faller of the Sky, Theoden is displeased and will want to speak with you and Maggie," Legolas said. Aly glanced to his other side where Maggie was happily in his grasp.  
"Don't we get nose pins first?" Aly asked in vain.  
Going up only a portion of the many stairs, they were greeted with Theoden speaking to Eowyn.  
"So few.." she murmured. "So few of you have returned."  
"Yeah cause those wargs kicked our ASS," said Frodo, staggering about with a helmet too large for him sitting on his head.  
"Our people are safe!" Theoden argued, still a bit tussled from the battle. "We have paid for it with many lives," he added. His words were followed by a noisy 'CLANK' as Frodo tumbled into a wall.  
"Ow!" he cried.  
"Frodo!" Sam said quickly, rushing to him while tugging out his Sam's Super First-Aid Kit.  
"Oh, Jesus," Maggie muttered with a sigh.  
"Where is Lord Aragorn?" Eowyn asked, looking to the Fallers of the Sky.  
Gimli, however, spoke up. "He fell!" he cried before bursting into tears. "He fell!"  
"And sprang my damn ankle!" Aragorn added, limping towards them. Gimli, thinking the man had been dead because..well..he was stupid dwarf, you see. Didn't notice much of the world going on around him.  
"Laddie!" he cried. Suddenly, a dog resembling a collie bounded to him, knocked the dwarf down with one leap and began humping him.  
"Bah ha!" Legolas exclaimed, pointing as well.  
"Come!" Theoden announced. "We have much to do!"  
"Yeah, like make a dumb-ass plan that will get us all killed," Maggie whispered to Aly as Legolas led them up the stairs after Theoden.  
  
A bit later, walking along Helm's Wall, Theoden was pointing out the various artifacts to Maggie and Aly.  
"This here is a statue of my great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather."  
"Ooo," Maggie and Aly cooed.  
"And here, my..."  
"Holy God, do you think he could be related to any more people? I bet you Theodred was his cousin's son as well as his own," Maggie whispered.  
Aly then cleared her throat. "Pardon, You Highlyness, but shouldn't we be getting ready for battle or something like that?"  
Theoden, interrupted with his many 'greats', looked at her as if baffled. "Oh," he said. "Right! Er, just bring everyone inside."  
"Okay!" Gamling said, skipping off to do his King's bidding.  
"Wait, wait!" Maggie declared, holding her hands up. "Do you not realize how many of those bastards are coming? You know, Uruk-hai or something?"  
"They're not mindless orcs, you know," Gimli said, pushing away the dog that was still humping his leg.  
"Hey, hey," Theoden said pointing at the dwarf. "I've fought a shit- load of battles, okay? You just burrow around in mountains and take strange joys with dogs."  
The company with them shuddered with a disgusted look.  
"Yo! Have you dealt with over ten-thousand Uruk-Hai?!" Aly cried, stomping her feet a bit in effort not to throw a fit.  
"Ten-thousand?" Theoden echoed, his face paling slightly.  
"Yes, Ten. Thousand."  
It was as if the entire place had fallen silent with this before Theoden mustered up his ego again. "No one has ever breached these walls!"  
"They will this time!" Maggie argued.  
"You're full of shit!" Gamling said, batting his hand out at her.  
Maggie, a bit more than annoyed and frustrated at the moment, glared at him. "Look here, Hama..Gamling...HAMLING! Whoever the fuck you are, Don't Mess With Me Right NOW!" With her voice reaching a strange low and her face reddening, Gamling quickly stepped behind his king.  
"I will not tolerate this," Theoden declared. "Gather all men and boys who can fight. The women and children go to the caves."  
"Barricade your walls, King," Aly continued. "You have to listen to us!"  
"I will not!"  
Distraught, the girls looked to Aragorn, the only one who could possibly talk any sense into the man. Seeing this, Aragorn kind of just glanced about a bit. This continued before Aly kicked him in the shin.  
"Hey, Ranger, get you ass in this."  
Aragorn looked at her. "Well, I...I thought I'd just keep my ass out of this one."  
"Aragorn!" Maggie and Aly cried.  
"Look here, bub," Frodo said, stepping up. "If you don't listen to my bitches here, I may have to go medieval on your ass."  
Everyone stared at the small hobbit who dared to speak back to Theoden - King of Rohan...Spite the girls of course.  
"I'm sorry, did someone say something?" Theoden said, glancing at everyone within his sight without looking down. "Hello?"  
"Hey!" Frodo cried, jumping up and down.  
"I don't see anybody. Come along now, let us get all suited up!" Gamling said, pulling on the king's arm before leading him onward.  
"Shit!" Maggie said, stomping on foot briefly.  
Suddenly, men seized the two. "Hey, get your hands off of me!" Aly cried, kicking her feet about.  
"Let the fuck go of me!" Maggie shouted.  
"You belong in the caves. You're women," said Gamling from the upper level.  
"I'm going to rip your balls off!" Aly shouted at him.  
Merry and Pippin latched onto Maggie's legs but only resulted in being dragged with her. Frodo promptly leapt onto one of Aly's captors while Sam jabbed the other with a fork.  
"Hobbits!" Aragorn exclaimed, pulling Frodo off of the man and holding Sam back while Legolas picked Merry and Pippin up.  
"You have to let them go. They'll be killed out here," Aragorn told the four.  
"We'll be killed out here!" Pippin cried before sighing with a slightly less distraught face.  
"Oh, goddamnit Pippin," Legolas said, looking at his Elf-tights. "Now I have to change."  
"Sorry."  
"You can't do this!" Aly cried still kicking about.  
When they were out of sight, Legolas and Aragorn put the hobbits down. Legolas glanced at Aragorn.  
"They're going to hate us now."  
"It's what's best for them."  
"Aragorn! There are ten-thousand orcs coming. Don't you think it's best if we have our prophets with us?" Sam added.  
"Not to mention, we're out numbered like a pimp to some bitches," Legolas said.  
"If that is to be our fate, then let it be done! I would rather be a pimp than some bitches!"  
"I second that," Merry agreed.  
"I will not see all here die," Aragorn continued. "Should we not leave two people who know the future to those who survive this?!"  
"Then..you mean not to survive this?" Sam asked.  
Aragorn looked at him. "If it is my path."  
"Well fuck that!" Frodo declared. "I'll go off-road and find a different one!"  
"All these people are going to die!" Legolas exclaimed.  
"Yes, we've covered that Legolas," Sam said, patting the Elf's arm to calm him down a bit.  
"Sorry. I got a bit carried away with all the yelling."  
"Forgiven," Sam said.  
"Hey, where'd Strider go?" Pippin asked, looking up from his game of marbles.  
Immediately the group took off to find their way-ward, death-bound friend.  
  
"Oh, well, this brings back memories," Maggie said being hauled on the back of her captor. Memories of the Uruk ride came back to both of them.  
After a moment, Aly said, "Shit, now I have to piss."  
"All right, you know, this relationship really just isn't working for me anymore. I think..I think we should start seeing other people," Maggie told her man. He glanced at her before shaking his head. "It's not you, it's me! Really."  
The two men were so amused and confused by Maggie's words that Aly spotted the stair-well leading to the caves. As her captor neared it, she kicked him in the knee, ripping her arms from his grasp and watched him tumble down the stairs. By the time she turned around, she spotted Maggie riding her captor like a bucking horse.  
"Woo! Yeah!" she cried. "One hand!"  
"Maggie!" Aly said, stepping in front of the man and kicking him in the balls. He crumbled to the ground with a cry.  
"Hey!" Maggie said, springing up again. "I was having fun," she added, kicking the man in the head to keep him from groaning.  
"Yeah, great, but dude we have a war to be getting started."  
"Right!" Maggie agreed. She moved to follow Aly up the stairs but stopped. "Wait, shouldn't we, like, disguise ourselves or something? I mean, we'll be a bit noticeable out there."  
"Good idea," Aly agreed.  
  
By the time all the boys found Aragorn again, he was suiting up in his armor.  
"Thanks for ditching us, man," Frodo said. "We can't solve anything by walking away."  
"Oo, I saw that episode of Dr. Phil," Sam said.  
"Yeah, that was a good one," Merry pitched in. "Way to put it into life, man."  
"Thanks," Frodo said, beaming.  
"Look, we're sorry for being some pansy bitches and not wanting to die, Aragorn.."  
Frodo looked at his fellow hobbits making a face. What the hell was the Elf talking about? They didn't want to die!  
"But, let's not go into almost certain doom with foul words."  
The hobbits all rolled their eyes but agreed as Aragorn looked at them.  
"Well...I suppose you're right."  
"All right, that's the spirit!" Legolas declared in natural Elf cheer.  
"Group hug!" Sam declared. They all looked at each other a moment before gathering in a group hug. Frodo, suddenly realizing he was hugging other males, staggered away.  
"Erm, right," he said as the others quickly separated as well. They all just kind of glanced at each other, hitting the other in the arm and what-not.  
Suddenly, the strange sound of a horn reached them. Legolas frowned, looking towards the door.  
"That is no orc horn!" he said, quickly running up the stairs. The others glanced at each other before running after him.  
  
"Check it out!" Maggie said, snatching Aly's arm as they raced by the wall again. Aly staggered before shifting her helmet enough to look out of it. Spotting what it was Maggie saw, she grinned.  
"God I love those guys," she said, grabbing Maggie by the hand and racing towards the gates as they opened.  
All but stumbling down the stairs, the girls tripped over their armor that was far too big and crashed right into the perfect formation of the Elves.  
"Ouch, oo, sorry bout that," Maggie said, standing without her helmet and staggering away from the group.  
"Caught, caught!" Aly cried. "That's ATTACHED!" she hollered as someone tried to fix her helmet that was surely snagged in her hair.  
Haldir, having been observing all this, sighed and hauled the human out of his now ruined formation. Plopping her helmet back on her head, he straightened it slightly.  
"Greetings, once again, Fallers of the Sky."  
"Yo, Haldir!" Maggie said. "What's up, dude?" After completing a very elaborate handshake with the Elf and butting shoulders, she looked at Theoden who was watching with a baffled look.  
"You know these two?!" he exclaimed.  
Haldir, now completing an encore of the hand-shake with Aly, looked to Theoden. "But of course. All Elves now know of the Fallers of the Sky. They are legendary for their ability to withstand the MoJo Fountain. Rare mortals can do such a things."  
With this, Maggie tilted her head down and scratched her head to cover her bright red face. Aly, however, pulled off her helmet and beamed. "Hell yes," she agreed.  
A few of the Elves in formation chuckled before Haldir silenced them with a glance. "We came here with word from Elrond of Rivendell...Which is bullshit because I'm from Lothlorien and don't answer to Elrond. But, at any rate, we're here to help kick some ass."  
Theoden was still slightly baffled but nodded. Gamling, in the mean time, had been asking a few questions about the nice, soft cloaks Elves had and was carefully inspecting Haldir's armor.  
"My lord, this is just sinful. Why don't we have name brand armor? Look, he has Presininiais!"  
Theoden sighed, rolling his eyes before Aragorn and his band of merry Elves, Dwarves, and Hobbits came running into view.  
"Haldir!" Legolas exclaimed.  
"Oh thank God! I didn't really want to die!" Aragorn said, launching himself into Haldir's arms. The Elf staggered slightly before Aragorn pulled himself away. "I mean," he punched the March Warden in the shoulder. "Glad to see you, man."  
Aly and Maggie rolled their eyes before, suddenly, all the hobbits latched onto them.  
"You've escaped!" Frodo said, clinging to Aly.  
"Sure did, my man," she replied, moving his short figure away from her crotch before patting him on the back.  
"Aly, Maggie!" Legolas said. "You're not supposed to be here!"  
"Yeah, face it, you're all stuck with us," Maggie said with a shrug.  
Haldir, continuing to bat Gamling's hand away from his hair, spoke again, "Right, well, time to bust some caps and save the world of men." He paused then added. "Again."  
  
The battle line was silent as all who were prepared for battle watched the oncoming, dark horde that neared them. The ominous air around them was filled with the scent of sweat and a rain that would soon fall. A lightning struck and thunder quickly followed making Pippin tremble beside Maggie. She glanced at him with a gentle smile, placing a hand on his tiny shoulder.  
However, in the next instant, she looked at Aly and mouthed, "Christ, we're going to die!!!"  
Aly thought on this a moment, then nodded. Maggie sighed and looked at the Uruk-hai again.  
Aly suddenly turned to Maggie.  
"Mags, we're probably going to die in this, so I better tell you one last time. You're my best friend and I love you man!"  
Maggie's lip trembled. "I love you too!" The two promptly burst into tears, and hugged tightly. The Hobbits, seeing this, looked to each other and hugged as well, crying loudly.  
Once the emotional moment was over, all looked once again to their almost certain death. The huge army of the former White Wizard stopped with a terrifying 'thud'. The echo of their footsteps remained in the fearful hearts of all who watched.  
The thunder clapped again and rain began to pour.  
"Cover it! Cover it!" Gamling raced down the wall line giving rain coats to all the Elves in beautiful armor. "Quickly, or it will rust!"  
"Give me one of those," said Merry.  
"Do you have pretty armor on?" Gamling asked.  
"Well, no."  
"Then no!" Gamling said, taking off again.  
The Uruk-hai proved their strategic minds as they pounded their weapons on the ground for intimidation. With each pound, someone wet themselves or fainted.  
Maggie glanced at Legolas who finished speaking to Aragorn. As the soon-to-be King of Gondor gave his pep talk she sighed. "I didn't even get to lay Leggy yet," she murmured to Aly. Her friend smirked and shrugged.  
"Maybe you'll still have the chance after this."  
Maggie grunted and heard Aragorn unleash his sword. Frodo looked up at Aly. "Ten thousand?"  
"Yep," she replied.  
"All with scary faces and big weapons?"  
"Definitely."  
Frodo sighed. "Bring it on."  
As everyone notched their arrows, they waited. Waited to die. Waited to live. Waited to piss themselves.  
Pippin suddenly shifted, stepping on Maggie's foot.  
"Ow!" she cried, releasing her arrow. It shot forth and landed solidly in an orc's neck. Silence followed. "Oops," she whispered.  
As the Orc fell, someone in the army screamed. "BOB!"  
"Oh fuck," Aly said as the Orcs charged. The Elves notched their arrows and fired a moment later. A human volley followed and lines of Orcs fell. Still, it made no dent in the thousands.  
"Ladders," Aly told Frodo and Sam.  
"LADDERS!" Aragorn cried in Elven.  
"Good!" Gimli said.  
As a ladder crashed onto the wall next to Aly, Maggie, and the Hobbits, they all kind of just stood there a moment. As the first orc came down, he slashed at Frodo.  
"Bitch!" Aly cried, stabbing the Orc in the gut. He fell with a cry and more poured forth, separating the six friends.  
  
So much time had passed as Gamling was racing up and down the wall, trying to clean the armor of the Elves. "Don't stain it!" he cried, dodging the blade of an Uruk.  
Suddenly, a body crashed into him. "Ow!" Aly cried, getting to a stand, she all but growled. "I'm going to beat your ass bitch!"  
Gamling screamed and promptly passed out.  
Aly looked at him before glancing around. "Maggie!" she cried. "Frodo, Sam!" No one came to her call and she barely dodged a sword swiping at her. In her haste, she teetered on the stairs near her.  
"Ohhhh, shhhitt!" she cried, trying to lean backwards. A hand then lashed out and she was pulled back, away from impending doom.  
Looking to her savior, Aly found it to be Frodo Baggins, of the Shire.  
"Frodo, my man!" she said, clamping his face between her hands and kissing him. "You saved me!"  
Frodo, too dazed by the sudden kiss, just grinned before Aly pushed him away and out of the path of a falling blade.  
  
"Oh, shit. Oh, shit," Maggie chanted to herself, looking at all the Uruks around her who were in a deadly circle. "This is so not good."  
Seeing a particular Uruk running around the circle, she paused her frantic thoughts. Finally, she was able to understand what he was saying.  
"Duck...Duck....Duck...GOOSE!"  
"All right, what the fuck here?" Maggie exclaimed. "If you're going to kill me, quit playing games and kill me!"  
All the Uruks looked at her with a fierce growl for interrupting their game.  
"Erm, never mind, just...Go on about you business," she said. "I'll just...sit right here," she said, taking a seat on the bloody wall floor. The Uruks were happy to continue their game.  
  
"Wait, wait! Power in numbers!" Sam said, grabbing both Merry and Pippin's cloaks before they could take off and hide. "We can do this! Hock a loogie, remember??"  
"Grab your nuts!" Merry said, grabbing his nuts.  
"And let's step on it!" Pippin said, proceeding to stomp his foot on that of Orcs. It was quite effective, really and Merry did it as well. Once an Uruk was stunned with a painful foot, Sam stabbed it with some sort of kitchen utensil.  
"Maggie!" Legolas cried, his voice oddly high pitched and shrill. Seeing his little Faller of the Sky in danger, he surged forward, forgetting Gimli who was in peril between life and death, he leapt into the deadly circle of Uruk around Maggie.  
Within about two seconds, all the Uruks had arrows embedded into them. Pleased with himself, he called out his new tally of 27 while helping Maggie to a stand. She quickly hit him in the arm.  
"Leggy! I was nearly taking a nap!" she cried, hitting him again.  
"Ow! Ow! Stop it!"  
"LEGOLAS!" Aragorn called from the other side of the wall. "Kill it!"  
  
"FUCK!" Maggie said, realizing what was going on. She rushed to the wall and Aly soon joined her.  
"You're alive!" they both cried to the other before looking at the oncoming Uruk.  
It was time. The Uruk with the Olympic Torch was coming. The Uruks around him were singing the Chariots of Fire theme while he ran in slow motion.  
"Leggy!" the girls cried.  
"Kill him!" Aragorn demanded.  
"Stop all this pressure!!!!" Legolas shrieked, dropping the arrow he held.  
"Stupid!" Frodo said, grabbing the fallen arrow and giving it to the Elf. "Shoot him!"  
Legolas did as he was told. He shot him three times in fact. But, alas, it did not good. The Uruk launched himself into the one weakness of Helm's Deep.  
And after that, Aly and Maggie flew in the opposite direction of the other members of the Fellowship.  
  
To be Concluded... 


	11. Chapter Eleven

**From the Authors: **All right, well. We realize we've let all of you how have read the story down, terribly sorry. But, we decided to go ahead and put the last chapter up...about three months after we had promised. Yes, we are horrible people. Anyway, here's the last chapter. If you are interested in reading further into the RotK adventures of Maggie and Aly, please go to our website and click on one of the posted links.

Thanks for all your support, readers! We truly do love you. — The Girls

**Chapter Eleven**

"I smell...Burning feathers..."

Aly opened one of her eyes to see Maggie next to her. She sniffed.

"I smell," she added, shifting herself to sit up sorely. She grimaced. "Dead shit."

Maggie sat up as well. The two looked around. They were a distance from the battle, farther into Helm's Deep.

"What have we gotten ourselves into?" Aly muttered, shaking her head as they eyed the continuing battle. "We haven't even gotten the ring to Mordor yet.."

Maggie sighed with a nod. "But we have to. We can't just give up. We've fucked these guys up bad. We have to fix it. Besides...You can't just give up on quests, remember?"

"No give up! No Give up!"

The two screamed and shot to a stand. Looking at Borry who was prancing around them, they both groaned.

"Where they hell have you been?!" Maggie asked.

"Know a secret way to Mordor, the Borry does. He does!"

Aly thought about kicking him for being stupid, but she reasoned a moment later that he _was _from Gondor. What if he did know? And they _did _still have to get the ring back.

"Aragorn! Fall your men back!" Theoden's voice echoed throughout the keep.

"Hold that thought, Borry!" she said, snatching Maggie and running off again.

"Where are we going?!" Maggie demanded.

"To save some ass!" she called behind her.

They raced up a set of stairs and along the wall, jumping over dead and dying bodies. Occasionally they'd end up stepping on someone still living and shouting an apology.

"Fall back to the keep!" Aragorn declared, waving his men back. He looked to the wall and spotting Legolas. "Legolas, fall back!"

Legolas nodded and tossed down a metal sheet before sliding down the stairs, shooting arrows as he did so.

Maggie pointed as she ran with Aly. "Look! That dumbass just invented the X-Games!"

"Haldir!" Aragorn shouted. "Fall back!"

Haldir looked at the man and nodded, sending his Elves back and continuing to fight humming a song from How to Lose an Elf in 10 Decades. Too distracted as he started thinking of a particular part, he was stabbed in the arm.

"Von Domica Ric!!!!!" (Ow. You son of a Bitch.) he exclaimed before stabbing the orc in return, killing him.

"Haldir!" Aragorn shouted.

"Would you shut up?!" Haldir demanded. "You're distracting me with all that yelling!"

"Sorry," Aragorn said, shoving his hands in his pockets and waiting for his next cue.

Turning, Haldir was suddenly tackled by the two Fallers of the Sky. They tumbled backwards, knocking down the Uruk that was going to plunge his axe into the Elf's back. The Uruk-Hai was impaled with a comrade's weapon before proceeding to get into a heavy brawl with the other servant of Saruman.

Getting to a stand,the girlsnoted they were suddenly the center of attention now that the brawl had tumbled down the stairs.

"Oh, this isn't good," Aly grumbled. Maggie, thinking the same thing, looked to the side to see two spears protruding from the body of an Uruk.

"Dude!" she exclaimed, snatching the two spears. She quickly tossed one to Aly. "Opener, Aly, Opener!"

"What!?" Aly cried, dodging away from an attack.

"The opener from guard!"

Aly kind of just stood there a moment before her eyes grew in realization. "Genius!" she cried. They both stopped and stood at ready position. Neither moved for some time. The Uruks glanced at each other in question.

"Erm, count us off," Maggie whispered.

"No, you count us off!" Aly hissed back. "I hate counting off."

"Oh, Jesus!" Maggie growled. "5. 6. 5-6-7-8."

Immediately following, the girls began humming the tune of their Color Guard opener. Their movements were slightly off, but it cleared the way around them. They skipped, they twirled, they spun, they jabbed. It was perfect! Best show they'd ever done.

And, during the last toss, both threw their weapons into the air from a Blue Devil toss with all their might. The remaining two Uruks, distracted by watching the spears twirl in the air, didn't have enough time to react as the girls punched them in their ugly faces. Catching the spears at a graceful pose, there was a clear fifteen foot radius around them.

"Damnit!" Maggie said, stomping her foot after the five second pause.

"What?"

"I messed up on the seventh count. You know, the Hmmmmm-hm-hm-hmmmm!"

"Oh, damn. I screw up on that all the time," Aly said with a nod before Haldir caught her attention.

Looking at the Elf they'd just saved, the girls noted he looked a bit on the shocked side.

"You're welcome. To the Keep now," Aly said, pulling the March Warden to a stand and ushering him off. Maggie grabbed Aragorn before he tackled the three into a hug.

"Hey, we're good, Hot Old Guy. You're getting a bit carried away with the whole hugging business," Maggie said, patting him on the shoulder before being rushed towards the keep again.

"Sammy!" Merry cried, jumping to the Hobbit as the four were surrounded again.

"This is _really _getting on my nerves!" Frodo said. This was the twelfth time they'd ended up in the soup during the Duck, Duck, Goose game.

"Use the Ring, Frodo. Get out of here! Just use it, this one time," Sam said, always willing for Frodo to make it alive even if it were himself to stay behind. "Just this one time."

"I can't, Sam," Frodo said.

"Why not?" Pippin asked.

"It's the rules!" Frodo exclaimed.

"Rules? HAH!" Pippin exclaimed, watching as the Uruks continued with their game.

"I can't break the rules with the Ring," Frodo defended. "I just can't."

"Go, go, go!"

The Uruks were suddenly broken up as Aragorn, Aly, Maggie, Haldir, and Legolas came racing through. The four hobbits were quickly picked up and carried off. Pippin was happy to make a face at the Uruks that watched them go.

"This could not possibly get any worse," Theoden said, pacing while people boarded the doors up.

"Oh, but it could," Frodo reasoned. "They could have the Ring you know."

"Oh, shut up," Theoden said, continuing with his pacing. "Helm's Deep is taken. There is nothing we can do."

"You said this place wouldn't fall if you still had people defending it," Sam argued.

"That was my line!" Aragorn said, his hands flying to his hips.

"Sorry," Sam said, looking down and swinging his pot idly.

"Hello? Have we all forgotten something?" Maggie asked, being carried with the table she was sitting on. "Gaffer and Eomer are supposed to be coming at dawn," she said, jumping off the table as the two Elves carrying it glared at her.

"What, what?" Theoden fumbled, looking at her. "Victory may yet still be at hand?"

"Uh, yeah," Aly said with a 'You're Stupid' look on her face.

"Then we must ride out!" Theoden said. "And may it be written that we rode in almost certain death and doom."

"I will go with you and when I'm King of Gondor, this will be remembered when Rohan and Gondor form an alliance!" Aragorn declared.

"Now you're thinking!" Merry exclaimed, clapping briefly.

"May this be the hour in which we draw swords together!" Theoden declared. "And the horn of Helm's Deep will echo!"

_Pfffffffffffttttttt._

Everyone looked at Gimli. "Erm, sorry."

Sam looked at Frodo who looked as if he were out of place. He gazed at the ring in his hand and seemed to be singing softly. And Sam knew.

Sam knew that _this _was his scene.

"Frodo?" he asked, stepping forward. "Do you feel the sudden urge to attack me?"

Frodo looked at him, releasing the ring to once again dangle on the chain around his neck. "What? No," he said, shaking his head. He patted Sam on the shoulder. "Why would I do a thing like that? Come on, Samwise. Let's ride out into battle with the other crazy mother-fuckers."

Frodo walked off and Sam stomped his foot. "Damnit!"

Would Sam ever get _his _scene?

"Excuse me! Pardon me! Coming through!"

No matter Maggie's attempts at getting Uruks out of the way of her running horse, they just didn't listen and proceeded to be run over by the large animal.

"Damn, these bitches just don't listen!" Merry said, steering his horse all about.

The group of Men, Elves, Dwarves, Hobbits, and two Fallers of the Sky plunged into the main stream of the Uruks. Swords and arrows lashed out. Cries of agony and pain echoed among Pippin's shrieking.

"DIE!!!" Sam cried, hitting an Uruk on the head with his pot. Maggie gave Aly the 'he's gone insane' motion, but Aly didn't catch and asked what wheels she was talking about. Maggie rolled her eyes when suddenly the battle field fell quiet.

"What's going on?" Legolas asked, looking around.

"SHIELD YOUR EYES!" Haldir declared, covering his own and reaching to cover his horse's as well.

A loud groan and unison scream came from the entire battle. Merry, not knowing what all the fuss was about, looked where everyone was avoiding.

"Sweet Mary and Joseph!" he cried, toppling off the horse in front of Maggie.

There, on the great brink of the mountains around Helm's Deep was Gandalf...Stark naked.

"We're here!! Little late, but we're here!" he cried. "And they're getting their _ass _kicked!" Behind him, the entire colony of nudists that Gandalf had stayed with surged forth. Their bare naked bodies casting out such a light that blinded any who looked upon them.

"Did you say _ass?" _Eomer asked in a drunken stupor. His men were all drunk and having been so when Gandalf reached them, they all converted to Nudism. Therefore...he was also nude.

"Check out his-"

"Aly!" Maggie shrieked, covering her friend's eyes.

"Sorry, sorry!"

"Forth, my naked warriors! Send these beasts back to Mordor!" Gandalf announced, raising his staff and sword before running down the steep hillside.

The Uruks, in fear of such a sight, fled as the nudists came running at them. They fled from the jiggling fat bodies and the swinging ... extremities.

All those of Rohan cheered before realizing that the nudists were coming at them. With this, they ran as well.

The halls of Helm's Deep were flooded with the healing of injured warriors and the occasional nudist who got a thorn in their foot or other portions of their body. Frodo, however, was on a mission.

"That's it! Everyone of the Fellowship report to me NOW!"

Almost immediately, all other ten members rushed to him - including Boromir.

"Fellowship meeting Right Now!" Frodo declared. The others glanced at each other before following their hobbity comrade.

The heavy door closed to the meeting room and all were silent. Glancing about as Borry started chewing on the table leg, Frodo accounted everyone.

"All right, I think we've been a bit side-tracked. Have we all forgotten that we still have to get this little trinket to Mordor?" he said, holding the ring out. Borry immediately leapt towards it only for Sam to collide with him in mid-air. They continued into a fierce brawl in which Sam became victorious.

However, unfortunately for Sam, it was all but ignored.

"He's right, but there's a lot of shit going on," Aly agreed.

"We can't leave the Rohan people," said Aragorn. "They are still weak."

"But if we don't leave, Sauron will grow in power," Gandalf said, now wrapped in a robe that had his name glittered on the back of it.

"I say we vote," Legolas said. "Be democratic about it."

"Democratic?" Aly said. "My government is democratic and they don't do shit but blow each other."

"I'm up for that!" Merry exclaimed.

"Merry!" Maggie said, batting the Hobbit back into his seat.

"Then what do you purpose we do?" Legolas asked.

Aly thought on this and looked to Maggie who just sort of shrugged her shoulders. She sighed and looked at the rest of the Fellowship.

"We do have resources we can use," Sam said. "The Elves are still around and Haldir is listening from the other side of the door." With this, a whispered 'shit!' was heard along with the sound of pattering boots down a hall. "What about Gondor? Boromir is still alive, we can use him."

"Alive, yeah," Maggie said, "but growing more like his father every day."

"Precious..._Precious..." _Boromir murmured to himself, rocking back and forth - nursing head wound Sam had given him.

"But Sam is right. With Boromir alive, Denethor is more likely to help us," Gandalf reasoned.

"We can still stay on task and finish this war if we have Gondor's cooperation," Aragorn agreed.

"Wait, wait. You guys know what's going to happen - What should we do?" Frodo asked Maggie and Aly.

The two looked at each other and Maggie shook her head. They'd screwed the plot up so much that they didn't even know where to go with it now. They were lost.

"I don't know," Aly admitted. "We're pretty much winging it now except for a few things that are bound to happen. As far as the trip to Mount Doom, we have no idea. ...perhaps it's best to go with using Boromir as an advantage."

"We're trusting the fate of Middle Earth on an insane person?!" Pippin asked. The rest of the Fellowship just glanced at each other before nodding. "Well," Pippin said. "I'm game."

"First, I suggest we check out what Treebeard's up to and make sure the other Wizard is locked up," Maggie suggested.

"Good idea. We'll ride at dawn," Gandalf said.

"Meeting dismissed!" Frodo declared, pounding his small fist of the table. Everyone looked at him a bit shocked. "Always wanted to do that," he excused with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Sauron's wrath will be terrible, his retribution swift," Gandalf said as he and the other riders looked at the fiery horizon showing Mount Doom. "The battle of Helm's Deep is over - the battle for Middle Earth is about to begin."

"Jesus, that's ominous," Maggie muttered.

"All our hopes now lie with a Hobbit and two crazy ass girls," Gandalf said looking at Frodo sitting on the horse in front of Aly before peering at the two girls.

"Aren't you guys blessed?" Aly said. She was answered by groans as the men turned away. "Hey! I was being serious!"

"I think we're blessed, Aly-poo," Frodo said.

"Aw, thanks Frodo my man," Aly said, ruffling the Hobbit's hair.

Maggie, Aly and the Hobbits stayed as the other riders left to look at the huge mountain in the distance.

"You think we're going to be able to pull this off?" Maggie asked.

"I think you can," Pippin said from behind her. Maggie gave him a smile.

Aly took a deep breath, gagged a moment, then recovered. "I think it's time to call in a few favors," she said, looking at Maggie.

Maggie smiled at her slyly. "Good idea."

With that, the six looked out to the peak of Mount Doom while the day began to fade into night.

"Um, can we go in now? I'm scared of the dark," Pippin said.

"Pippin.....Goddamnit it," Maggie said with a shake of her head before she and Aly turned their horses back towards Helm's Deep.

However, Sam looked behind with a deep look. "I'll have my scene yet," he said. "Samwise the Brave will come forth," he swore.

Then the horse farted.

"Sam!" Aly exclaimed.

"It wasn't me!!"

Finish

**The Quest continues in the final episode based on Return of the King. Title yet to be decided.**


End file.
